In marriage two things are a major cause of fights and quarrels: Sex and Money. I love you has nothing to do with the economic status of a person that makes your world spin nicely. However money enhances love in ways we never see until bills pile up. You need money to put a roof over your heads; money to take her/him out; money to pay for gas, school fees and so on. This is not my focus of discussion in this post.
Apart from money the other thing that causes tension in a marriage relationship is Sex. This problem is an issue couples are silent about. It’s like we point fingers at every other thing but the main issue. When a man is cranky and irritable especially early in the morning check out his sex life with his wife.
And if such a man has a wife who is almost ever not interested then the problem forms a bigger circle.
In my culture and circle I have heard women say things like: se ounje ni? ( Literal interpretation – Is it food? Meaning that it is not as necessary as food) My take: It is more than food.
Many of us never heard our mothers talk about their sex life and most mothers/parents won’t talk about it. And when they finally talk about it you hear phrases that say it is all about satisfying the man. Nobody teaches the woman that SEX is something meant for her enjoyment and many of our men either do not know or understand this.
I believe that women and men wanting a lasting and fulfilling intimacy need to have proper education about sex. Men think they know all that is needed …I mean they are the men here…a little ego trip. Permit me to be a little frank….it is not just about inserting the penis and coming out from the vagina after ejaculation. A man has got to know the process that makes for enjoyable sex with his wife.
A quick mention of some women’s reasons for detesting sex:
• My man is always in a hurry
• He is rough
• I don’t enjoy sex; it’s too much work
• I am not always in the mood
• I am always tired
Sex is an important ingredient in any marriage. It is a fuel that keeps oiling your relationship which makes for smooth movement of your love wheel or chain.
How we can change things ad throw some fireworks into our love lives as couples
• Read books that give information about how to have a fulfilling sex life as a man or woman: (I am not talking about Porn materials).
• Talk to older couples or peer couples whom you can share experience with and help each other out to make it work. Seriously this is something we should stop shying away from. If you’ve got problems with your sex life talk to someone about it…get help.
• Attend couples retreats and marriage seminars/programs in church, your club or group.
• Talk with each other about your sex life. As a couple you should not be ashamed to talk about how you feel about your sex life/experience. It should not be an ice that you walk around afraid that it might break.
• Tell your partner what you enjoy, what you would like and what you don’t like. Learn to negotiate; do not force each other to do what you do not like.
• Women learn to participate in the sex process and seriously Mr Man slow down…
• Talk to your doctor if you are concerned about problems of tight vagina, delay in ejaculation or erection.
• Help your wife with some of your house chores and care of the kids so she is not always stressed and tired.
• If she is too tired for thee show at night, negotiate an early morning ride…haaa…haaa
• And ladies you cannot be tired every day of the week; you’ve got to plan and manage your time well. A good shower works magic.
And a quick question for the clergy and marriage counselors: Do you just glaze over sex and intimacy issues while counseling young couples? When I went through counseling, we were lucky to have an older couple who was frank and very down to earth with I and my husband. There my man was told that he had a lot to do in making me enjoy sex with practical examples. I was also told that I had a part to play in the whole process. So we took off on our journey on a right and informed note.
I was clear; my man was clear that:
* sex was not just about satisfying the man.
* That we were going to enjoy ourselves.
And through the years we have grown and are both enjoying our sex life. Ok not that I don’t have days that I am seriously put off and not in the mood but we talk about it and bear with one another.
Your Sex life with your spouse could be more fulflling and satisfying.
Photo Credit: Couples Collection – Spyderonline.com
Adebisi Adetunji ©