Woman to Woman Talk #16 – Are you one of those praying for your mother-in-law to die? Seriously?! Find Out how to have a better Relationship with Her.

We hear a lot about monster mother in-laws. And if you come from some of our tribes it is a never ending war between mother-in-laws and their daughter-in-laws. It is like we are practically fighting for the attention of the poor man who is not sure of his role as a son or spouse anymore.

Indeed there some very incorrigible mother-in-laws; nothing their daughter in-law ever does is right but paying bad deeds with good is the key here. This can be tough, but being good to your mother-in-law pays in the end. Call her on her birthdays, buy her gifts, encourage your husband, her son to do something nice for his mother. After all you would want your daughter – in-law to do the same for you.

Some single ladies are so terrified of what their mother-in-law could do to make life unbearable for them in their matrimonial home that they wish her dead! Yes, I hear of ladies praying that their mother-in-law would die before they tie the knot with the love of their life. Hmmmn…how would you like your future daughter –in-law to wish you dead too?😱

You don’t have to be terrified of having a mother-in-law. Remember that she had to give birth to her son which gave you an opportunity to meet him in the first place. So be grateful for that. Put yourself in her shoes; she has her fears too about totally losing her son’s attention to you. And seriously the mother-son loving relationship is punctured when the boy falls in love with a girl.

So recognize why there might be an issue:
• You are coming from a different background and generation from your mother-in-law.
• Her view of life is some worth different from yours.
• Just because your mother or friend had a turbulent relationship with her in-laws doesn’t mean you will also experience the same thing.
It is possible to have a good, cordial and loving relationship with your mother-in-law.

How to have a better relationship with your mother-in-law?
First, see her as your own mother for indeed she became your second mum. Surely you do have a misunderstanding with your mum but you usually find a way around it. So find a way around that misunderstanding between you and your mother-in-law.
Study your mother-in-law, find out what she likes and dislikes.
Just because you are now married to her son shouldn’t mean that she is banished for life in her son’s life and your family. Allow your mother-in-law to be a part of your lives. I mean she deserves a right to be a part of her grandchildren’s lives. And it is a relief to you too on days when you simply need a break from the stress of caring for your family.
Make up your mind to be your mother-in-law’s friend as much as possible.
You will not always see eye to eye on a lot of issues but gently and wisely make her see reason. Sometimes let her son, your husband explain things to her. Some things might be better received when it is coming from her son.

When it is really difficult to deal with your mother-in-law, pray for her and yourself. Do your best and keep loving no matter what.

Remember, your mother-in-law is a fellow woman – support each other.

I think we should talk about how to be your daughter- in-law’s Friend in my next woman to Woman Talk post. 😀😀

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

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Reaching People at Home & Work Places with Information about FP

Engaging our community and dialoguing with members at the grassroot level about Family Planning is key to poverty eradication and family empowerment.

Once while working with ARDA & NURHI on the field going from house to house, business centers dialoguing and informing people better about the need to plan their families we met a group of men. It was interesting discussing the issue with these men, some agreed that couples should only give birth to the number of children they can cater for but one man’s opinion stood out. This man whom I will call Bode believed that a man has a right to keep giving birth to as many children as he desired. Then we raised the issue if how frequent and too many births can affect a woman’s health. The discussion then centered on the wellbeing of his wife; Bode believed that he would keep acquiring more women to give birth to more children.

I looked at Bode and it was obvious that he didn’t earn much. Bode like many others hold the cultural believe that the Lord Almighty who gives children will take care of them. I believe that God is the giver of children and he also makes provision to care for them. However he expects us to be responsible therefore he will also hold us, parents accountable if we do not train and equip our children with all they need to become responsible men and women in the society.

I see many women at the grassroot suffer and struggle to take care of children because their husbands/men are busy donating babies to as many other women. Forgive me if I sound rather hard here.

Then there are men who will insist that the woman(his wife)  should just keep having as many babies as possible to the detriment of her health and the family’s wellbeing.

Family Planning means having the number of children one can care & provide for.

Family planning is key to preventing abortions. 

Family planning has helped couples who didn’t know any better to stop aborting babies. I have met a few couples who were able to relax in between births before having another baby and no longer had to abort unplanned pregnancy.

Life is all about the choices we make. These choices in turn make us and our future.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Delayed Profit is more Profitable

In every business transaction or deal, one would expect to make a profit. And profits are the rewards of a person’s hard work and investment in a business or project. These days I am privileged to witness some nemesis or should I say rewards of delaying or not delaying making profit.

In offices, businesses, organizations or wherever there are human beings, some people are not ready to delay making profits on their job. People are anxious to make a quick extra buck/money so they would do anything to fill their pockets. They call it smart ways of making money.

How many corners are you willing to cut to make extra money? You might want to go slow and steady to win your race in an honest way.

The honest way always looks slow and is filled with a lot of uncertainty about whether you will ever get to succeed or make enough money. One thing I know for sure it pays.

This is what happens when you cheat your way to the top/acquire money and properties:
• Somebody is heart broken
• Somebody dies because you are greedy and he/she doesn’t get the much needed meager money to survive another day.
• You sow a seed of pain that you will reap a harvest from.
• The law of Karma(what you sow is what you reap) eventually catches up with you.

Good old honesty is the way of peace and prosperity. 

I don’t get it when people steal or amass so much wealth as they can through denying others their entitlement. How do you explain a group of people who manage a cooperative loan on behalf of their colleagues at work and they make others pay in triple interests? They spread their own personal loan repayment on others. I hear this group of people did a lot to short change others but recently their luck ran out. Somebody blew the whistle on them and today they have been sacked after “20-30years meritorious service”. Hmmm, I have also been privileged to watch some high and mighty leaders who short changed their work place and co-workers just to make extra money to be kept away in the name of securing their future. A few months or barely a year after retiring from work they begin to feel the heat of dwindling funds and even start to beg around for money. On the other hand, those who worked honestly and seem to be the “not sharp guys” become more comfortable after retirement.

Good old honesty still works. Delay that profit, wait, time will deliver your peaceful success and blessings to you.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Bloggers & Social Media Influencers Workshop: All about Advocating for Zero tolerance for Female Genital mutilation and cutting (FGMC)

There is no medical or biological benefit in cutting the female genitalia. Instead It leaves a scar that brings a lifetime of complications to a woman and her wellbeing.

Cultures that practice FGMC belief it is a tight of passage to womanhood :

A woman is born complete and whole stop the cutting.

Another cultural belief system is the female circumstances prevents a girl/woman from being promiscuous but
It has been found that there are many sex workers who were circumcised.

Cutting a woman’s genital has nothing to do with promiscuity ; this is a matter of personal choice & character.

#SayNotoFGMC

Bloggers & Social Media Influencers workshop organized by Young Men’s Foundation Against Sexual & Gender Based Violence. 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Volunteer Work: Training & Equipping Young & Upcoming People with tools for becoming a 21st Century Media Personnel

We must learn to give back to society in every way possible and it is not always about money.

I had an opportunity, alongside colleagues in the media to help train young and upcoming media On-Air-Personalities.

The training included: Presentation Skills, Radio /TV production ; Scriptwriting, Pronunciation & Elocution, Handling of camera, Understanding the use of Yoruba language for the media.

My assignment was to train participants the art of Scriptwriting. This equipped them with tools for writing ; writing for radio/drama. It was exciting and fun to be able to share some of the skills acquired in my over  16 years working in the media.

It was a great time volunteering alongside some of my senior mentors in the industry like Gabriel Onafurume- Rtrd Deputy Programs Director, Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria; Omowunmi Adebola Bello- Assistant Deputy Director Programs FRCN and my very resourceful & creative colleague, Tolu Adepoju – TV/Radio media consultant.

Success is reproducing yourself in others as a manager.

Talent is not enough – John C. Maxwell 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Sunday Inspiration : That time When getting Admitted into School was Difficult for Me – Your Struggles & Pain Will Work out For Good

Just me looking back and grateful
A house my family & I lived in for many years in Kano.

Today when I look back I am amazed at how things turned out for me in terms of getting an education.

By the way I went to a public school and back then you could get quality education unlike nowadays that parents enrolled their children in private schools and pay so much simply because the standard at our public schools have really fallen. Now back to my own story.

In primary five students start to write entrance exams to get into secondary/high school. So by the time you get into your final class you already had a number of schools to choose from judging by the number of admission letters you have in your hand. My parents wanted me to go to a particular popular school for girls in Kano. The girls who attended that school were brilliant and stood out. I wrote the exams and was one of the lucky ones selected. I was excited but alas one day at my head teachers office I found out that my place had been given to another girl. I was terribly disappointed. Since I didn’t write another school’s exam I had to wait a while and struggled to get into another secondary school. I ended up at a school somewhere in Borno state still in the North. I spent only one session in that school as I couldn’t cope with the life there. It was tough and rugged and the school was in the middle of nowhere out of town and in the bush.

Finally I was rescued and taken to Jos, Plateau state and my first school was Naraguta grammar school… Not the standard my dad wanted. I was always coming first and my dad felt there wasn’t enough competition for me😀
But most importantly it was there that I understood what it meant to know God in a personal way. Jesus found me and I came to know him in a very special way. Funny how the Lord leads our path.

After that school I went to Baptist High school in Jos still and it was a marvelous time been taught by teachers like Mr Stone, Miss Gaines- I really still do miss her Bible lessons because it was full of stories, real life issues. Quickly the years went by and I was preparing to get into the university/college. I thought it would be easy but I was in for a bumpy ride and long journey. First I failed my physics and chemistry subjects. You see I was a science student and had the intention of becoming a doctor… Hmmmn the dream of every parent back then as it was a prestigious profession.

I wrote WAEC like four times and all my private lesson teacher’s coaching still didn’t help me to pass my science subjects. I remember going to a center to check my third WAEC result. As I looked through my list and saw that I failed my physics, chemistry and biology again I made up my mind that enough was enough. It was then that I made a u-turn and decided to register for art subjects. This time around I passed them seamlessly. It became clear that I wasn’t cut out for the medical line and I told my dad so.

It is important to study your child’s strength and guide him/her  in the right direction.

Somewhere in between all of these I still enrolled for a pre-degree course at the University of Jos with the intention of doing one of the science courses. You can guess what happened : I failed badly wasting another two years. At last I decided to seek admission to study law at the University of Jos. It was another struggle, they just wouldn’t admit me for so many reasons. All the while I was praying hard that God will show up for me. In fact I wondered why it had to be a struggle to move to each stage of my education.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts neither are my ways your ways.

God had a better plan and through all my delay and struggle He was working things out. His good plans for my life were unfolding. Everything I experienced and everywhere I had been were all part of the plan and necessary to make become the person I am today.

We may not understand why we have to go through things sometimes but God always has a better plan for his children.

Finally without struggle I got an admission into Bayero University Kano and I didn’t even want to go there because that was were I grew up and for other reasons. I got to study the course English and specialized in literature. One of the reasons Iit had to be that school was clear to me years later… It was there I met my husband 😀

Today I have a masters in Social Work and I look back still amazed at how the Lord brought me around in full circle.

You may seem delayed God is working.
Your good and bad experiences will all work out for your good.

We don’t need to understand all the plans but we can trust him and He does really know what he is doing… Beautifying your life.

I don’t know your struggles and I know it can be hard, I am here to say have faith; fear not, it will all work out for your good.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Just thinking Out Aloud… Are we paying enough Attention to our Boys & Men? key to Gender equality and creating a safe environment for women & Girls

We talk so much about empowering women and girls that I feel we are beginning to leave the boys and men far behind in the scheme of things. Leaving them behind would only hinder our goal of achieving a world of equal opportunity; safety and well-being of women and girls.

 

 

Examples of what I mean
1) A few months ago(May 2017) there was a joint cry raised against boys from a secondary school in Lagos who after finishing their final exams decided that the best way to celebrate was to physically/sexually assault the girls. They were practically tearing the skits and gowns of their fellow school girls with razor blades and had sport attempting to force themselves on these girls. Thanks to one brave woman who stood and raised alarm to save some of these girls. It was a very disturbing and mind boggling story for me.

My question is this: What are we teaching our sons? Are we teaching them to value girls and respect them? Are we teaching them that a real man protects and not hurt or harm? Catch them young is the solution here.

2) In my office these days we seem to have more women in employment more than men. It is so funny sometimes when deciding for dual presentation programs where we need a male and a female, we meet a wall. There are not enough men to go round….hahaha. Then we start asking “where are all the men?” It looks like more women are determined to get an education and succeed. Now, this is a good thing going by the past and even presently in some communities and homes where girls are still prevented from getting an education. Trends of women gainfully employed have evolved over time.More women are likely to have earned a bachelor’s degree by age 29 according to U.S department of labor blog.  More women have become providers in the home although the matter of equal payment still varies from country to country. In Nigeria at least I know for a fact that in government organizations men and women earn equal pay as long as they are on the same level e.g L10.

Balance is what I am advocating for here:

While inspiring, empowering and encouraging girls and women let’s not leave our boys and men behind. This is key to gender equality and women’s access to freedom, safety, and progress.

When a father treats his wife well and shows her respect, his son will likely learn from him.

When mothers teach their sons to respect girls and treat them as equals and not inferior then he will know how to treat all the girls and women around him.

Catch them young, teach right values; share the chores in the home; teach him to become a responsible adult and man.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)