Woman to Woman Talk #8 – Why Are we each Other’s Worst Enemies? Time to Change this!

I remember an election in Nigeria at 2011, PDP convention where the party voted to nominate their presidential nominee. Sarah Jibril, the only woman aspirant got only ONE VOTE and that was her own vote! I looked at all the women with head gears and the elitist women who were party card carrying members who had campaigned that more women should be allowed to handle more seats in the political arena of the Country and shook my head.

None of them voted for this fellow woman…rather sad in my opinion. Sometimes I think we are only playing lip service to our cry and desire to give more women a chance.

How can we get more women into leadership positions when we cannot support one another as women? We are territorial and operate a pull her down syndrome once it is not us that is vying for a post.

Often we gossip about each other pinpointing only the bad side to other women. You will hear things like, “who does she think she is?” “Is she the only one?” “I can do it better than her”. And guess who we are babbling this castigation to? The MEN O! How can they ever take us seriously?

If a fellow sister is occupying an office or has what it takes to handle that position support her. In the office some of us women will be unserious or lazy in carrying out the duties of our job. Then we will expect this boss woman to turn the other eye or we simply say, “But she should understand now, Is she not a woman too?! Since when has been a woman become an excuse not to do your job and then you want the men to give us a chance to handle things! Come on, women let’s wake up. Give your best shot at your job and stand out. I know we have to attend to other things in our lives but seriously stop making excuses; stop being lazy and get on with doing your job well. When you do really have to be excused from work let it be noted that something must really be wrong.

If a fellow sister is occupying an office or has what it takes to handle that position support her.

Then this one gets to me. Two women in an office, they are either bosses or colleagues if you like and then they have a misunderstanding …hehehe…work don stop be dat o!

Girl you really need to draw the line between carrying out the duties of your job and personal grouse. If there is a problem face the issue. Be matured enough and be the first to initiate sorting out the problem so that your work can go smoothly. You don’t have to be best of friends with everyone but you can be cordial/friendly after all we all have something we do those other people do not like about us. So stop keeping malice already and get on with your job.

You don’t have to be best of friends with everyone but you can be cordial/friendly after all we all have something we do that others do not like about us.

It is time to support one another as women; Time to change that style of pull her down syndrome; Time to see the good in other women.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Shout out to my girls who posed for the photo of this post. Abimbola Idowu & Ifeoluwa Akindele. Love you!!

Woman to Woman Talk #7– What you should not do with/How to Properly Dispose your Sanitary Towel

 

Hello ladies. How have you been since the last time we talked? Remember this is a conversation and you have an opportunity to say just how you feel about what we discuss here.

I want to take you back a little to the days when you were in the University/College. Yes, I lived in the dormitory for the girls and lots of drama took place. Some roommates fought each other; the nightlife of “Aristoles” who made our car parks their haven every night. Often you would see a girl or two hopping into a car and they zoom off to show up in the early hours of the next day. My gist today is not about “Aristoles”(Older men dating girls) but about how we ladies use our toilet. Or better still how we dispose of our used sanitary towels.

I used to be appalled by the sight in our female toilet. The annoying drama is that sometimes our Water Closet gets blocked when girls try to flush their pad down the toilet. The disgusting one is the blood stained sanitary that you find lying on the bare floor for others to behold. Really annoying and irritating! You know this attitude permeates not just our campuses but also every other place you find women. In the office toilet, public toilet and even religious building toilets!

So here is the thing ladies/women we really must work on disposing of our sanitary towels properly.

A good Hygiene and cleanliness are good habits to imbibe.

How to properly dispose of your used Sanitary Towel:
My mother taught me how to neatly wrap each used sanitary towel before disposing of it in a dustbin.

  • You may choose to have old newspapers handy during your mensuration. So whether you are home or going out to work or wherever, fold as much paper you will need in a small paper bag or cellophane bag and put it in your handbag. I mean it looks neat when you dispose of a wrapped used sanitary towel in the toilet dustbin. It is really uncomfortable and irritating seeing all those blood stained pads in the bin.
  • Some people choose to wrap theirs in a cellophane bag and burn them later. Your choice.
  • While at home as well please stop throwing your used sanitary towel all over the place. That is definitely been dirty and unhygienic.

There is no point to looking all classy, beautiful and sweet on the outside and then you are dirty in the toilet!

Please teach your daughter and girls you come in contact with how to neatly dispose of their used sanitary towel.

Adebisi Adetunji ©

Woman to Woman Talk #6 – “Je ki Oko o De” – Empower yourself Financially

This week let’s talk about empowering ourselves as women. “Je ki Oko o de” literally means “A woman who waits and depends on her husband to buy or pay for everything she needs personally or to keep the home running”.

Some time ago I heard of a woman whose husband set her up in a business two or three different times. I will call her Titi(not real name).
Titi enjoys sitting at home and watching movies, shopping for new clothes, visiting and chatting with friends. When it comes to running her business she isn’t interested. And so everytime she starts a business she ruins it losing both capital and profit. Titi is comfortable with just living a flamboyant life and sitting at home. Lucky for  her she has a man who is rich. However the man soon got fed up of having to help her set up any business and losing all the money. This became an issue in their family.

Another category of “Je Oko o De women are young ladies who are not even properly educated or come from a humble background.  They marry a man struggling to make ends meet and simply refuse to work.  The man is expected to take care of her, their 7 children and the home. If she wants to buy salt, sugar, food and even her underwears she waits for her dear husband to pay for everything! (Ridiculous). Such a woman is at the mercy of the poor husband who has to pay for everything. Unfortunately some of these men spend their money on other things and not on these wives.

So woman, lady here is the thing, It is time you make something out of your life! You need to be financially empowered!

It is time you pay attention to minding your business or career.

Lady forget that gist that a man us solely meant to be the provider. Some of my friends will say do you want to kill him in this economic recession! 😀.

And seriously you need to be free and able to meet some of your own financial needs. It is unfair to yourself and your husband to depend on him for everything. It is frustrating in my own opinion.

Why you need to earn your own money:
1) It enables you to be financially free,
2) You get that rewarding feeling that you can contribute to the upkeep of your family.
3) You have a sense of dignity being able to make some money no matter how little.
4) You are able to give your aged parents money without hassling your man to do it.
5) It eases money tension in the home and saves you the embarrassment of not been able to handle even simple money needs of your children.
6) God forbid anything happening to the man...I mean people die so what happens to you and your children. Especially if the man’s extended family are the type that will come and take over the man’s property leaving his wife with nothing.
7) Say your man even loses his job or business what will you all fall back on?Your own earnings can save the family financial embarrassment before your man finds his feet again.

The virtuous in the book of proverbs was a hard working business woman who provided for her household and her husband was respected in the gates of the city. STOP Being Lazy!

Time to pursue your dreams, time to mind your business and career.

In another post we will take a look at ways to make money as a woman. Till then enjoy your everyday life and know that you are special, woman.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #4 – How to Recognize a Man who is Stingy and Won’t Pay the Bills

The last time we had a conversation on Woman to woman talk #3, I tried to encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short by believing that a man’s money is what you need to survive or have a comfortable life. Just because he gives you a diamond ring or rides a jet does not mean that you will be happy in that relationship/marriage.

Now does this mean a woman should settle for just any man? Does this mean that one can only be happy with a man that has a humble background? Certainly not!

My frank talk today is that if a man is not serious about making something of his life then that is not a man that will support you in achieving your own dreams.

What you Need to Watch out for:

  • If you have to pay all the bills all of the time while still dating your man…hmmm walk away now as you might end up being saddled with taking all the pressure of managing the family bills after you get married.
  • A man proposes to you and he has no source of income; his little room does not even have a bed; he sleeps in all day and gives you the excuse that jobs are hard to find…seriously!!! Let him get out and earn some money no matter how little before he asks for your hand in marriage. He is endowed with sweet poetic love lines and he mesmerizes you with it all the time. Don’t let that confuse your thinking faculty.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

  • And then this one haahaa: Lady just because a man showers you with gifts all the time does not mean that he is not stingy. Watch him closely. Is he just being generous to only you? Is he thoughtful, kind and generous to his close family, friends and others? If he is not it is only a matter of time that his true color will show up. He may not be that generous when he hooks you in a marriage commitment finally.

Seriously we see what we want to see when it comes to love matters. Don’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in your gut about that relationship.

Don’t excuse what you know you can’t cope with later on.

People don’t change that easily. In fact good and bad character traits become magnified in marriage.

Who to settle down with:

  • Marry a man who has a clear vision for his life; a man who knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work hard to get it not cheat his way there.
  • Marry a man willing to share the little he has with you now because he will be willing to share his big successes and wins later on in life.

A man who takes responsibility is what you need not just any man.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #2 : Would You Move in with him without Family Consent and Payment of your Bride Price?

A story comes to mind when I started to write this post. A lady fell in love and moved in to begin to live with her boyfriend or fiance not sure of how they actually defined that relationship.

They got comfortable living together and soon were expecting a baby? So exciting it was for them. This relationship seemed intact until a few years, I think the child was by then 2years old. Suddenly the young man found other interests. He became tired of this lady.

What I find annoying was that he sent her away pregnant with another baby(a set of twin this time). She couldn’t bring the matter before his family nor hers for their intervention. Why? Because according to the tradition and culture they had gotten married without the consent of their parents. And no bride price had been paid on her as is the practice. There were no wedding ceremony witnesses whether traditionally or in the church. There was no legal wedding in a court of law which could have at least given her some rights and protection.

She was left in the cold and alone with the love of her life gone with the wind. I am not judging this woman but I couldn’t help but feel her pain. And I wondered if things could have been different.

Let’s now face this issue head On:
Moving in with a guy in the name of love is one thing but hey protect yourself, woman. Although I believe in zipping up and waiting until the knot is tied. After all, it’s a commitment of a lifetime and why steal the meat you will enjoy for a long time… Anyway Get him to marry you properly as we say in Africa if you intend to settle down with him.

How to Protect yourself from being heartbroken:

Don’t pack your things and go live with a man washing his clothes, cooking and slaving away like a house maid and all the while thinking you are just being a Wife material.
He will soon lose respect for you and probably look for the woman that keeps him in good suspense.

Recognize and Waka pass(run away from) that old line… I love you and will soon meet your parents to ask for your hand in marriage. One year down the line he still hasn’t had the time to show you anyone from his family not to talk of meeting yours.

Sister be wise and get the message : you are not what he wants. Let it not be his wedding I.V to another woman that will wake you up.

Never let anything pressure you to settle for just anything in the name of I love him…or oh, my friends are getting married so I must join the bandwagon. 

Let your love eyes wear Googles o… In front and back if possible.

Bottom line, add common sense to this love matter and wanting to settle down in a marriage relationship.

And seriously lady you are worth waiting for and fighting for. Don’t sell yourself short.

Things do happen in a marriage relationship that family intervention will make a huge difference especially with our African way of doing things. Sometimes when a man is beginning to misbehave his family members can call him to order because they asked for the girl’s hand in marriage and did that which is expected traditionally.

And on a lighter note when your man remembers how your hefty brothers hold you their sister in high esteem your man will think twice before laying a hand on you to hurt you physically 😀

Ladies shine your eyes o…And wait patiently. Let him marry you properly or else take a walk. Someone is just around the corner waiting to go all the way for you. 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Not Happy but Still In Love…Is this Possible?

love-and-happinessIs love tied to happiness? Yes, love does have something to do with happiness.

Do you feel happy all the time with the person you are in love with? Definitely NO!

Does that make you fall out of love with your partner? Possibly for some…

Where I’m I going with this?

I am just concerned about how we fall out of love in this generation simply because we are not feeling that happiness with our partner or spouse.
Every now and then you are here the lines: “Oh I have to be happy”, “My happiness matters”, “I have to do what makes me happy”. Did you notice the “I’s”, “My”. We are a people or should I say a generation of Me…me…me

Have you ever thought that Love is much more than what we make it be?

What is Love? Not easy to define sometimes but I’ll try

It is a good feeling: but doesn’t always feel good. So Love is more than just a feeling of butterflies

Love is a Choice: You can actually choose to love someone or choose not to. That’s when we say we fall out of love.

Love is not something out of control: So you are feeling so ecstatic about that woman/man; you can’t breathe, you can sleep, you can’t wait to be with him or her every time. Hmmm…love is definitely exciting but why does it sometimes Feazel away? Point here If he or she is married to someone better control that your love feeling or else risk becoming unhappy soon as he/she will also cheat on you soon.

Love can be pain staking/painful: Sometimes you are misunderstood for loving or your acts of love. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile to do something special. Love is willing to do so much more for the one it loves.

Love is humble: It is not self-seeking; it is not arrogant. You must know that you can be wrong so admit it when you are to your partner or spouse.

Love fights- Be very sure that you will engage in arguments and have fights with the one you love. It is perfectly normal and I don’t mean physically punching each other. So misunderstandings help you both to get to know each other as you handle your conflicts rightly.

Love is a stickler or should I say a sticker: It doesn’t just walk away simply because some things are not perfect. It doesn’t give up easily on its partner or spouse. Love is a stickler or should I say a sticker

Love is committed- Love does not stay only on days it feels good.

Is your love all about making you feel good?

Love is much more than happiness

I really don’t how to say this forgive me if it seems like I am ranting…

We need to love moreour marriages need to be more than just about ourselves and how we feel. You have a right and need to be happy in your marriage relationship but how much are you willing to give it to make it work?

Love is so much more…selfless and unselfish.
Before you walk away are you loving right?!

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Pleeeeese…what is the issue here: Don’t Marry a woman who can’t cook?

DO NOT MARRY A WOMAN WHO CAN NOT COOK?
DO NOT MARRY A MAN WHO HAS NO JOB?
Seriously why is this a trending issue?

Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. I do not want to get into the argument but I do have a few frank things to say here:

A man may not necessarily marry a woman because she is a fantastic cook if I may say but seriously you need to know how to cook some good food as a woman.

WHY?
• You need to eat healthy
• You need to save some money for other things instead of having to visit the various eateries
• What exactly do you want to feed your children and family with…junks?
• And by the way won’t it be fun to be the one to teach both your son and daughter how to prepare delicious and well balanced meals…

My husband cooks and I cook and I am grateful to my mother in-law for being a good cook and teaching him how to cook.

• Why should my man know how to cook and I don’t…that’s letting men win again!!!
• I like the idea of been in charge of my kitchen

Believe it or not been a good cook is a big issue in some marriages so ladies you have to pay attention.

Don’t marry a man who has no job?

My take:

A man doesn’t have to have a seven digit paying job but he should be empowered enough to bring some money home to take care of his family.

Some women have found themselves in a bottled neck relationship where they handle all the bills…this is not funny! And lady you might not mind for a while because you are head over hills in love with him…soon it will become a source of tension and fights as bills pile up.

So think again before you tie the knot with a man who simply lives on empty promises of getting a job soon and you have been dating him for a year now.

Some women even pay all the wedding bills and the “dear husband” thinks it is going to be “wifey Christmas money” all the way. She struggles with it for thee rest of her marriage life.

I guess we all get to choose who we end up with in a marriage…the ball is in your court.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener. What you can not put up with later don’t keep managing it…it will only become a big issue later.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)