Woman to Woman Talk #12 – Are You Emotionally Strong? How to Prevent Getting Hurt

Yeah… It is that time again when we talk about our own matter as women.

A story that mirrors what I want to talk about comes to mind. It was back in my day at the university there was this lady from church that I know. I will call her Martha. She had this gloomy air around her all the time. Martha had this sad face and she was rarely friendly with people. Everyone was like, “what is this woman’s problem?! Including yours sincerely, me. So we avoided her as best as we could but after a while I was curious so I started to investigate her issue… Call it Aproko or being nosey. I simply had to know and in my detective work 😁 *wink* I found out that Martha had been jilted by a guy whom she thought was serious about settling down to a life time commitment in marriage with her.

Martha was hurting I could see and I empathized with her seriously. Here is the real gist:

Her Prince charming had been dotting on her taking her out on a number of dates. Martha assumed that all the time spent together in each other’s company meant that he really wanted to be with her. One day this man showed up with a wedding card invitation! Martha’s world spun and she was devastated. Her man was only enjoying her company but never wanted it to go beyond this.
His defense was this “But I never proposed marriage to you”. But he had been eating good home made meals at her place. He had also been taking her out to eateries and everyone thought they were an item together before he dropped the bomb shell of not been interested.

The crux of the matter here lady: You have to be emotionally smart! If a guy possibly even your very good friend begins to spend more time than necessary with you then you need to ask point blank, where the relationship is going. Define such a relationship so you don’t get your high hope of having found love dashed.

You have to be emotionally smart!

So lady, do not allow your emotions to overrule good judgment. Protect yourself by being emotionally intelligent. I am not saying you should not have friends or be too defensive when dealing with men in your life. Be friendly but wise. Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Don’t jump to a conclusion that the guy who is doting all over you really wants to take the relationship further.

Don’t jump to a conclusion that the guy who is doting all over you really wants to take the relationship further.

And you need to understand that some men test the waters. By this I mean they have you and probably two or three other ladies in mind… Not funny but it happens.

In case your heart has been broken once or more times than you can count hey hugs from me. You will rise and find love again. Do not stop your life because of a heart break. Cry and allow yourself to heal.

Your scars should not keep hurting you for the rest of life. Let them be a reminder of how you have grown and become better.
Your scars can lead to good and great testimonies.

Loads of love to every woman/Lady hurting.

Photo Credit: The Single Woman Blog(Heart Broken by – Mandy Hale

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #10 – Empower Yourself by Working

What is Your View about Not Working as a Woman and the man pays all the bills?

Women stay at home not employed in a 9-5 job for various reasons. Some want to give time to nursing and caring for their babies and children until they are old enough. This is a great investment and noble role in my opinion.

A category of non- working mothers/women are the ones who do not engage in any business or at least a work from home kind of job because your Excellency the husband says he does not want them to work. The man is wealthy and has a good paying job so he believes he can take care of his wife and family. And my dear woman stays put waiting for her man to bring home the goodies every day. Fantastic but watch it!

Once upon a time, a rich man tells his wife to be a stay at home wife and allow him to take care of her every need. At first, she agreed but soon the entrepreneur in her woke up. She loved to bake and does catering job so she convinced him to allow her to start her own business. It was tough convincing him but she went ahead anyway. A few years down the line the men died and guess what? His family members came karting away all the man’s properties and estate. This dear woman only smiled as she was financially buoyant to care for herself and children. Her business had expanded and it was thriving well. Imagine if she had stayed at home doing nothing as his Excellency her husband wishes.

In case you are thinking this is far-fetched another couple’s story from a different angle might convince you. This time the man had a high paying job and they were really comfortable. However, he encouraged his wife to pursue her business dream and even invested money in helping her expand her business. A few years later he lost his job and this family survived for a season on the wife’s business before he got another job.

There are women who do not even want to work or do any business. This I find amusing and I also keep my fingers cross to see the day trouble will arrive at their door in the name of poverty/hard times. Some women are the ones stopping themselves from working or pursing any business goal and not their husbands. I know of men who set up their wife’s business several times as she keeps ruining it because she believes that there is enough money in his pocket to keep feeding them for a long time. Each time he invests in a business for her she sinks it through negligence and laziness.

Let me share a few things that could happen with that arrangement of not harnessing your skill or engaging in work:
You become frustrated having to depend on your man for every purchase and financial needs.
You lose your independence somehow.
The man soon becomes cranky having to deal with and give you money even for minute things. Soon he begins to lash out even when it is unintentional.
Tension over money matters.
If something goes wrong with your man’s business, job or source of income you are all in a BIG FINANCIAL MESS.

Benefit of Work to a Woman
Work for you as a woman goes beyond just earning money. It gives you a sense of fulfillment.
Work gives you a channel to use your skill and contribute your quota as a human being to society.
Work gives you an opportunity to make your dreams come true.

When I say work I do not necessarily mean an office job. Whatever you do using your talent, time and skills to make a living is your work.
So get off your butt and get to work. Do something Woman!

Adebisi Adetunji ©

Woman to Woman Talk #9 – Four Reasons for Delay in Getting the Man of Your Dream and what you can Do

There is no prototype way or formula for getting hooked up to the right man to spend the rest of your life with. And there is also nothing wrong with sizing up the man that you want to share the rest of your life with. However it is possible to over- do things and what I want to talk about today bothers on attitudes that can end up chasing away eligible bachelors.

1. Some of us ladies have a caustic tongue and we are so quick to lash out at anyone who crosses our part. I want to paint a picture. Say you are the chief executive of a notable organization and an old male friend whom you grew up with is doing a menial job. You meet in church or a club group every now and then. Sometimes you get to chat with this male acquaintance and with the way he is hanging around you, you sense he has his eyes on you. In your heart, you are like don’t even go there, young man!! Why? Well for so many reasons such as his grammar is not as polished as you would like; he has no dress sense and he laughs too loudly for your comfort whenever you are having a group conversation plus he is not a six pack physically endowed kind of guy. So this “ungentle and ill- mannered guy asks you out on a date and then you go rolling your eyes giving him a peace of your mind. All you are trying to say is, “you look me well before you open your mouth”. Meaning look guy we are not on the same level!

And the young man is so embarrassed and has difficulty approaching any other lady for a long while. Please, sisters/ladies, be civil and polite when turning down a date or that I want to marry you kind of request. In my opinion, any man/guy who asks you out is paying you a compliment. It means you are desirable and wanted even if he is not your type in a quote. Then seriously put yourself in the shoes of the man in question.

Why does this matter? Because in your hurry to dismiss all the men who are not your type in a shabby way you might just miss THE ONE man who might just be the man that you dreamed of. I am not saying settle for just any man simply because you are looking for love and marriage but simply saying BE POLITE and KIND. One day it will pay off. Treat others the way you will like to be treated.

2.  Another thing I will like to add here is that if there is a man/guy whom you actually like or are interested in and he asks you out don’t keep him waiting for too long. Ok in my Christian circle a man proposes to you as we say and you go praying over whether to say yes for the next one or two years! Seriously you should know whether he is what you will settle for or not as quickly as possible and move on. We, women, tend to play the wooing game. It’s ok to want the man to sweat it for a while so you satisfy the need to feel very “pricy” but stop wasting your own time and that of the man. My advice once you know this is the man for you quit playing around and say YES before he moves on thinking that he has no chance with you. And then you go crying that he did not love you enough to wait.
My point ladies attitude matters. Also be simple and honest with yourself know what you want and say YES it doesn’t make you cheap!

3. If you are looking for a perfect man…there is no such thing as a perfect gentleman; that is overrated. What do I mean? Watch that perfect gentleman when he is watching a football game he loves or gets in a heated argument over something that upsets him…get the picture? You don’t need a perfect man but a good, honest, hardworking, God fearing man. Guess what? You are far from being perfect yourself.

So be down to earth, stop living in that fairy tale land.

4. Have you been badly hurt or disappointed by a past relationship or experience? This does not have to define your future happiness unless you allow it. Not all men are bad. There is still someone out there who will treat you right. Stop punishing yourself, open your heart and pray. Good love will find you again.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)

Woman to Woman Talk #8 – Why Are we each Other’s Worst Enemies? Time to Change this!

I remember an election in Nigeria at 2011, PDP convention where the party voted to nominate their presidential nominee. Sarah Jibril, the only woman aspirant got only ONE VOTE and that was her own vote! I looked at all the women with head gears and the elitist women who were party card carrying members who had campaigned that more women should be allowed to handle more seats in the political arena of the Country and shook my head.

None of them voted for this fellow woman…rather sad in my opinion. Sometimes I think we are only playing lip service to our cry and desire to give more women a chance.

How can we get more women into leadership positions when we cannot support one another as women? We are territorial and operate a pull her down syndrome once it is not us that is vying for a post.

Often we gossip about each other pinpointing only the bad side to other women. You will hear things like, “who does she think she is?” “Is she the only one?” “I can do it better than her”. And guess who we are babbling this castigation to? The MEN O! How can they ever take us seriously?

If a fellow sister is occupying an office or has what it takes to handle that position support her. In the office some of us women will be unserious or lazy in carrying out the duties of our job. Then we will expect this boss woman to turn the other eye or we simply say, “But she should understand now, Is she not a woman too?! Since when has been a woman become an excuse not to do your job and then you want the men to give us a chance to handle things! Come on, women let’s wake up. Give your best shot at your job and stand out. I know we have to attend to other things in our lives but seriously stop making excuses; stop being lazy and get on with doing your job well. When you do really have to be excused from work let it be noted that something must really be wrong.

If a fellow sister is occupying an office or has what it takes to handle that position support her.

Then this one gets to me. Two women in an office, they are either bosses or colleagues if you like and then they have a misunderstanding …hehehe…work don stop be dat o!

Girl you really need to draw the line between carrying out the duties of your job and personal grouse. If there is a problem face the issue. Be matured enough and be the first to initiate sorting out the problem so that your work can go smoothly. You don’t have to be best of friends with everyone but you can be cordial/friendly after all we all have something we do those other people do not like about us. So stop keeping malice already and get on with your job.

You don’t have to be best of friends with everyone but you can be cordial/friendly after all we all have something we do that others do not like about us.

It is time to support one another as women; Time to change that style of pull her down syndrome; Time to see the good in other women.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Shout out to my girls who posed for the photo of this post. Abimbola Idowu & Ifeoluwa Akindele. Love you!!

Woman to Woman Talk #7– What you should not do with/How to Properly Dispose your Sanitary Towel

 

Hello ladies. How have you been since the last time we talked? Remember this is a conversation and you have an opportunity to say just how you feel about what we discuss here.

I want to take you back a little to the days when you were in the University/College. Yes, I lived in the dormitory for the girls and lots of drama took place. Some roommates fought each other; the nightlife of “Aristoles” who made our car parks their haven every night. Often you would see a girl or two hopping into a car and they zoom off to show up in the early hours of the next day. My gist today is not about “Aristoles”(Older men dating girls) but about how we ladies use our toilet. Or better still how we dispose of our used sanitary towels.

I used to be appalled by the sight in our female toilet. The annoying drama is that sometimes our Water Closet gets blocked when girls try to flush their pad down the toilet. The disgusting one is the blood stained sanitary that you find lying on the bare floor for others to behold. Really annoying and irritating! You know this attitude permeates not just our campuses but also every other place you find women. In the office toilet, public toilet and even religious building toilets!

So here is the thing ladies/women we really must work on disposing of our sanitary towels properly.

A good Hygiene and cleanliness are good habits to imbibe.

How to properly dispose of your used Sanitary Towel:
My mother taught me how to neatly wrap each used sanitary towel before disposing of it in a dustbin.

  • You may choose to have old newspapers handy during your mensuration. So whether you are home or going out to work or wherever, fold as much paper you will need in a small paper bag or cellophane bag and put it in your handbag. I mean it looks neat when you dispose of a wrapped used sanitary towel in the toilet dustbin. It is really uncomfortable and irritating seeing all those blood stained pads in the bin.
  • Some people choose to wrap theirs in a cellophane bag and burn them later. Your choice.
  • While at home as well please stop throwing your used sanitary towel all over the place. That is definitely been dirty and unhygienic.

There is no point to looking all classy, beautiful and sweet on the outside and then you are dirty in the toilet!

Please teach your daughter and girls you come in contact with how to neatly dispose of their used sanitary towel.

Adebisi Adetunji ©

Woman to Woman Talk #6 – “Je ki Oko o De” – Empower yourself Financially

This week let’s talk about empowering ourselves as women. “Je ki Oko o de” literally means “A woman who waits and depends on her husband to buy or pay for everything she needs personally or to keep the home running”.

Some time ago I heard of a woman whose husband set her up in a business two or three different times. I will call her Titi(not real name).
Titi enjoys sitting at home and watching movies, shopping for new clothes, visiting and chatting with friends. When it comes to running her business she isn’t interested. And so everytime she starts a business she ruins it losing both capital and profit. Titi is comfortable with just living a flamboyant life and sitting at home. Lucky for  her she has a man who is rich. However the man soon got fed up of having to help her set up any business and losing all the money. This became an issue in their family.

Another category of “Je Oko o De women are young ladies who are not even properly educated or come from a humble background.  They marry a man struggling to make ends meet and simply refuse to work.  The man is expected to take care of her, their 7 children and the home. If she wants to buy salt, sugar, food and even her underwears she waits for her dear husband to pay for everything! (Ridiculous). Such a woman is at the mercy of the poor husband who has to pay for everything. Unfortunately some of these men spend their money on other things and not on these wives.

So woman, lady here is the thing, It is time you make something out of your life! You need to be financially empowered!

It is time you pay attention to minding your business or career.

Lady forget that gist that a man us solely meant to be the provider. Some of my friends will say do you want to kill him in this economic recession! 😀.

And seriously you need to be free and able to meet some of your own financial needs. It is unfair to yourself and your husband to depend on him for everything. It is frustrating in my own opinion.

Why you need to earn your own money:
1) It enables you to be financially free,
2) You get that rewarding feeling that you can contribute to the upkeep of your family.
3) You have a sense of dignity being able to make some money no matter how little.
4) You are able to give your aged parents money without hassling your man to do it.
5) It eases money tension in the home and saves you the embarrassment of not been able to handle even simple money needs of your children.
6) God forbid anything happening to the man...I mean people die so what happens to you and your children. Especially if the man’s extended family are the type that will come and take over the man’s property leaving his wife with nothing.
7) Say your man even loses his job or business what will you all fall back on?Your own earnings can save the family financial embarrassment before your man finds his feet again.

The virtuous in the book of proverbs was a hard working business woman who provided for her household and her husband was respected in the gates of the city. STOP Being Lazy!

Time to pursue your dreams, time to mind your business and career.

In another post we will take a look at ways to make money as a woman. Till then enjoy your everyday life and know that you are special, woman.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #4 – How to Recognize a Man who is Stingy and Won’t Pay the Bills

The last time we had a conversation on Woman to woman talk #3, I tried to encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short by believing that a man’s money is what you need to survive or have a comfortable life. Just because he gives you a diamond ring or rides a jet does not mean that you will be happy in that relationship/marriage.

Now does this mean a woman should settle for just any man? Does this mean that one can only be happy with a man that has a humble background? Certainly not!

My frank talk today is that if a man is not serious about making something of his life then that is not a man that will support you in achieving your own dreams.

What you Need to Watch out for:

  • If you have to pay all the bills all of the time while still dating your man…hmmm walk away now as you might end up being saddled with taking all the pressure of managing the family bills after you get married.
  • A man proposes to you and he has no source of income; his little room does not even have a bed; he sleeps in all day and gives you the excuse that jobs are hard to find…seriously!!! Let him get out and earn some money no matter how little before he asks for your hand in marriage. He is endowed with sweet poetic love lines and he mesmerizes you with it all the time. Don’t let that confuse your thinking faculty.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

  • And then this one haahaa: Lady just because a man showers you with gifts all the time does not mean that he is not stingy. Watch him closely. Is he just being generous to only you? Is he thoughtful, kind and generous to his close family, friends and others? If he is not it is only a matter of time that his true color will show up. He may not be that generous when he hooks you in a marriage commitment finally.

Seriously we see what we want to see when it comes to love matters. Don’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in your gut about that relationship.

Don’t excuse what you know you can’t cope with later on.

People don’t change that easily. In fact good and bad character traits become magnified in marriage.

Who to settle down with:

  • Marry a man who has a clear vision for his life; a man who knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work hard to get it not cheat his way there.
  • Marry a man willing to share the little he has with you now because he will be willing to share his big successes and wins later on in life.

A man who takes responsibility is what you need not just any man.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)