Happily Never After happens all the time. I mean even relationships that have it together get to experience many unhappy times. Issues that crop up in love relationships come in different sounds…by that i mean it can be a small buzz in the ear(small upsets); a blending machine…misunderstanding that brews for a while and stops; a sledge hammer…brings shock, pain and some times the heart just stops beating.
When a sledge hammer situation occurs it can sometimes be a shattering experience and some couples are left devastated. A sledge hammer situation can mean a BIG betrayal. The ugly faces of Disappointment, Hurt, Anger and Bitterness rear their heads squeezing the heart of the betrayed partner.
Every time a case of one partner/spouse murdering the other is reported It leaves a shocking and heart breaking bitter taste in ones mouth. What in the world would make a man or woman murder/kill someone they had professed to love for life?! OK I know so many things such as domestic violence, mental illness left unattended to, cheating/jealousy, money/greed, Betrayal of trust and so on could be responsible.
CASES IN THE NEWS:
- 81year old woman kills sick husband at 83years. Her confession to her son after blaming two burglars for the murder. In her words, “OK i killed him, I’d had enough. I could not take any more of his illness and having to take care of him”.
- Yewande Ibadan Lawyer kills her 38year old husband. An argument ensues when this young woman found out that her husband had a child by another woman. One thing led to another and the young man is dead. Now she faces murder charges in court.
- Cheating husband killed his wife to stop her finding about his sexual activities with prostitutes.
These incidences are becoming rampart in our society and one wonders what we can all do to stop this trend. Well i do not have all the answers but I’d like to share a few insights that might help prevent another loss of life when a relationship goes sour.
When a spouse/partner is found to be cheating just how should the other party react or handle the situation? A few people are able to maintain their cool but most blow their tops. Revenge even becomes a deep sited plan in the heart of the betrayed partner. Sometimes the matter becomes a criminal case because the betrayed partner maimed or killed the cheating partner.
How is it that an undying professed love turns into deep hatred? Because…
- He/she broke your solid trust
- He/She lied to you
- He/She deceived you
- He/She messed up your vows to each other
- He/She left you embarrassed, disgraced, feeling like a fool
- He/She had just wasted your precious time and years together
- He/She prefers another
- He/She physically assaults the other partner
The list goes on and on…but do you see a pattern? It is a feeling of I CAN’T TAKE THIS ; I COULD NEVER SURVIVE THIS; WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE; I WOULD DIE IF I LOOSE HIM/HER; IF I CAN’T HAVE HIM/HER NO ONE WOULD, I CAN’T BE THE FOOL
OK JUST STOP!!! It is not about YOU but YOUR PARTNER/SPOUSE’S CHOICE WHICH DOESN’T DEFINE YOU/WHAT YOU CAN STILL DO WITH YOUR LIFE.
So before you do something you’ll never recover from for life here are a few tips:
Coping mechanisms/How to handle Anger that comes with betrayal by your partner/spouse
- Feel the pain/hurt but don’t do anything immediately.
True Life story: Once upon a time a woman went to work on a day like any other day leaving her loving husband at home to take the kids to school. Hugs and kisses were exchanged as she left with a promise of a great evening together later that day. She drove off but had to come back a few hours later to collect some important document she forgot at home. On arriving her house, a ceremony was going on. Guests were all gaily dressed as she walked in wondering what was happening…it turned out that it was a naming ceremony of a baby…her husband’s baby born by another woman who was sited right beside her man. Confused and shocked, she went into the house; picked what she came for and left. The ceremony came to an abrupt end or “scattered” as we would say in Nigeria. I am sure she must have wept her heart out after she left the scene. Her heart was definitely shattered in many pieces.What had she done to deserve this great betrayal from her loving spouse?
What was this woman’s reaction? She came back home that night and refused to say anything about the ceremony she had witnessed earlier. She even cooked for Mr Husband and she did this for days which was terrifying for the man. Gist had it that this man brought his extended family members to come begging this woman.
I never got to know whether she decided to stay or leave but she decided that He was not going to make her do what she would regret for the rest of her life later. She took her time in making a decision for her future.
2. Get away for a while:
If your pain is more than you can manage such that you are beginning to think of harming your partner, get away quickly. Go somewhere and allow yourself to sort your feelings out.
3. Speak to someone about it:
By all means do not suffer alone, tell someone you trust about what is going on in your life. This person could be a counselor; a friend; a relationship expert; your mum or dad; your pastor or spiritual leader. They say a problem shared is half solved. Speaking to trusted and experienced people in your life can keep you from taking a wrong turn. Be weary of those who would say “If it is me i won’t take that sh*t! This will only fire up your anger.
4. Understand that though it might seem you are to blame for the betrayal it is your partner’s choice.
Allow your partner take responsibility for his/her actions. You can not fix him/her by been violent.
5. Understand that your world has not come to an end
Things would eventually work out one way or another. You can choose to work on your relationship by getting help for yourself and partner/spouse. And if you decide it is not worth the trouble, then make necessary decisions but getting physical is not an option. It would only steal your joy, freedom and future when you do get arrested. Sometimes people decide to even end their lives after killing a spouse/partner. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL…THE WORLD NEEDS YOU…DON’T GO THAT WAY.
To be continued….
Adebisi Adetunji (C)