Woman to Woman Talk #6 – “Je ki Oko o De” – Empower yourself Financially

This week let’s talk about empowering ourselves as women. “Je ki Oko o de” literally means “A woman who waits and depends on her husband to buy or pay for everything she needs personally or to keep the home running”.

Some time ago I heard of a woman whose husband set her up in a business two or three different times. I will call her Titi(not real name).
Titi enjoys sitting at home and watching movies, shopping for new clothes, visiting and chatting with friends. When it comes to running her business she isn’t interested. And so everytime she starts a business she ruins it losing both capital and profit. Titi is comfortable with just living a flamboyant life and sitting at home. Lucky for  her she has a man who is rich. However the man soon got fed up of having to help her set up any business and losing all the money. This became an issue in their family.

Another category of “Je Oko o De women are young ladies who are not even properly educated or come from a humble background.  They marry a man struggling to make ends meet and simply refuse to work.  The man is expected to take care of her, their 7 children and the home. If she wants to buy salt, sugar, food and even her underwears she waits for her dear husband to pay for everything! (Ridiculous). Such a woman is at the mercy of the poor husband who has to pay for everything. Unfortunately some of these men spend their money on other things and not on these wives.

So woman, lady here is the thing, It is time you make something out of your life! You need to be financially empowered!

It is time you pay attention to minding your business or career.

Lady forget that gist that a man us solely meant to be the provider. Some of my friends will say do you want to kill him in this economic recession! 😀.

And seriously you need to be free and able to meet some of your own financial needs. It is unfair to yourself and your husband to depend on him for everything. It is frustrating in my own opinion.

Why you need to earn your own money:
1) It enables you to be financially free,
2) You get that rewarding feeling that you can contribute to the upkeep of your family.
3) You have a sense of dignity being able to make some money no matter how little.
4) You are able to give your aged parents money without hassling your man to do it.
5) It eases money tension in the home and saves you the embarrassment of not been able to handle even simple money needs of your children.
6) God forbid anything happening to the man...I mean people die so what happens to you and your children. Especially if the man’s extended family are the type that will come and take over the man’s property leaving his wife with nothing.
7) Say your man even loses his job or business what will you all fall back on?Your own earnings can save the family financial embarrassment before your man finds his feet again.

The virtuous in the book of proverbs was a hard working business woman who provided for her household and her husband was respected in the gates of the city. STOP Being Lazy!

Time to pursue your dreams, time to mind your business and career.

In another post we will take a look at ways to make money as a woman. Till then enjoy your everyday life and know that you are special, woman.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

How to Build Anything Worthwhile that will Last

Building anything worthwhile requires a lot of hard work. Be willing to give time to building your life, relationships, children, family, career, business and even house.

Build with the right materials. Using substandard products to build is a disaster that will eventually happen.

So in everything build with love, patience, forgiveness, diligence and faith that it will all yield a good dividend… It will be worth your time.

How to Build and succeed

  • Spend time knowing more about what you have set out to build.
  • If it is marriage, read books and reach out to those who are succeeding at it.
  • If it is a career... Learn more about your job/business and keep learning.
  • Be prepared for the challenges that will definitely come while building. Make up your mind not to give up.
    Know when to change tactics but do not negotiate building with the best materials.
  • Build with honesty and integrity.
    Remember you don’t need to step on people or hurt them just because you are building.

Stop to lend a hand because you need people to help you build faster.

So what are you working on or building lately? How is it going? Share your little successes and discouragement. Thank you for sharing.

Photo Credit : Pixabay. Com

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

The In-between of Our Lives

While surfing through and visiting blogs to read new posts I came by this interesting post by Folakemi – “Children as retirement Plan”.

Fola shares the story of an 85 year old woman whose children seem to have abandoned. She has 5 children who can not be found except for 2 sons who still won’t take her in. Thankfully the state government took her in. The gist is that this woman now 85years old is troublesome and so couldn’t live with anyone. She has had 5 husband’s none of whom are available or willing to take care of her.

This woman’s story got me thinking. Our attitude, character and choices will have an impact on our lives even at old age. I am not judging this old woman… I mean every one of us have a fair share of lives upside and downside.

I read the story of an old man who died leaving not so much in terms of silver and gold for his children but left a lot of integrity, honesty and kindness behind. His daughter was particularly mad with him for not been like other fathers who left great riches. She ended up landing an inclusive big package job with a company owned by someone whom her father had shown great kindness to when he was looking for a job. She is earning a 7 figure salary now.

The In-betweens of Our lives matter. What we do now will affect our tomorrow.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Little things matter – My Android Phone and I

Getting my Andriod phone was for me a matter of necessity. I didn’t buy one to show off or be part of the trend…although that is not exactly an out of place thing. I remember bringing out my old phone that could only take pictures, make calls and receive text messages amongst friends or a business meeting…oh…it was kind of embarrassing. Especially when you see everyone at the table in a meeting sliding their fingers across their Android phone while you struggle to press on the keypad of your “torch light phone” as we call it. 

And then someone will say are you on whatsapp? Definitely not, I didn’t own a smart phone that time. Good old Nokia phone…they are die hards. My small torch light phone has survived many falls into unthinkable places for the life span of a phone. I was to later miss this when my newly acquired Android which by the way I saved for to get suddenly refused to charge!!!

The diagnosis at the phone care center of the brand I bought  was that I had a charging port problem. At first, I was relieved but my quick fix was not going to happen as fast as I wanted. The company didn’t have the parts available…I stood looking at the customer care lady with a glare that said, “you guys can’t be serious”! But I was told to keep checking in until the charging port part arrives from wherever which had no particular date…frustrating!!

Even waiting at the reception of the phone care center felt like I was waiting to see the doctor at the hospital only this was a phone clinic. I went home disappointed that day and came back a few days later determined to get my phone fixed ,”sorry they said again, the parts are yet to arrive”.

That day I met a fellow frustrated phone user who had like three batteries all for one phone. He advised me to buy an extra battery and a strong desktop charger to solve my problem. So off I went shopping for a desktop charger and screen saver. After getting the desktop charger another challenge came up. I soon found out that Android batteries were more powerful than desktop chargers. So I would charge my battery for like 12 hours before I get a certain percentage of my charged battery which will quickly run down.

It wasn’t funny because I had come to depend on my Android phone to do my work on the go. God bless the brains behind this technology. I would send WhatsApp messages, attend to my emails; work on my social media platforms and even write on my blog all on the go!!

Lessons I learned while waiting to get my phone fixed
• Never be careless with your gagdet. Getting it is not enough even when you denied yourself to be able to afford it. You have got to take good care of it.
• Android phones don’t come cheap but they are not as rugged as good old phones that can withstand any pressure.
• When plugging your charger on your phone’s charging point handle with care. It can easily get spoilt as is the case in my experience.
• Plug the phone yourself and not your young children who can mishandle it
• Be patient seasons of phonelessness don’t last 

Today after three long weeks I finally got a new charging port for my phone but not without a fight(not physical). So I called the phone clinic and I get the good news that the much awaited charging port parts have arrived. I quickly rushed to the phone company fix it center only to be told that according to company policy I will have to leave my phone for a week. Reason…there many other phones under repair. “No way”, I said and then I got an idea to call the nice young man who happened to be one of the engineers I had been communicating with inquiring about the parts. Hurray! he offered to get my phone fixed and within an hour my Android phone had a brand new charging port.

I am so happy that my phone is back and alive…Grateful!! Funny how a small charging port problem became a big issue!!

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Hmmm… This Story Touched me… It just might Save Your Marriage

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS .………..A friend posted on my whatsapp and I simply want to share it with you.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know crewhat I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? You know

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything. Love never perishes , even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal. Beauty can be destroyed , but not love.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Movie Review: The Wedding Party – Its dramatic, a power tussle and Love saga

Finally, I got around to watching this much talked about the movie which started showing in the cinemas in December 2016. The Wedding Party is a Nigerian romantic and comedy movie. It is dramatic, funny, a power tussle between two wealthy families and a love saga as well.

If you are a Nigerian this movie reminds you of when you first introduced your intended who happens to be from another culture to your parents!!! This can sometimes meet with resistance.

If you are from across the globe The Wedding Party showcases the cultural side of a typical Nigerian marriage. We like our wedding party/ceremony to be big with your whole village clan, family, and friends in attendance. Apart from this expect the “Mo gbo, mo yaa (Uninvited guests who are not related or known to the couple or even their family members). They are the gate crashers.

In Nigeria when you print a 100 wedding invitation cards plan for 300 guests. Yes, o…for example if you invite me and my husband we will bring our children and also neighbors who might be less busy on your wedding day and whom you don’t know. In the movie, you are definitely going to see gate crashers.

The Wedding Party is the love story of a young couple who struggle to get the approval of the groom’s mother. They also had to contend with former girlfriends of the groom as well. The story all happens in one day from the morning of the wedding to the reception where the bride takes off because of a shocking betraying revelation.

Meanwhile, the bride and groom’s parents also have secrets of their own. The bride’s father is broke and hadn’t paid for the cake wedding and other food items meant for the wedding but his wife thinks they have got what it takes to show her proud son-in-law’s mother that they were rich as well.

The groom’s parents are struggling with their marriage and for many years they haven’t been able to fix it. These secrets spilled out when the two families are held at gunpoint by an “area boy” who had earlier sneaked into the wedding reception. Tempers flared between the families and they soon found out that the only way they were going to save themselves was to work as a team.

The Wedding Party ends on a note of hope and reconciliation. A fantastic love story of the young and the old the Nigerian way.

Lessons
– No matter how old your marriage becomes you need to keep love alive.
– Stop taking one another for granted.
– Fix the problem quickly before it becomes a mighty ocean that will eventually drown you all.
– Remember to say I love you often
– Stay faithful to your partner
– Mistakes happen, fix it don’t repeat it.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)