Woman to Woman Talk#5 – Se Onje Ni? Is it Food? What…SEX

Now don’t let this post’s title confuse you simply hear me out on this matter. And seriously you are welcome to air your views and opinion on the matter even men. Yes …Men say your mind o I know you are stealing a look at this out of curiosity. Happy to have you read.

Ladies especially my Yoruba sisters you must be familiar with the phrase “Se ounje ni”? Hun…hun Is sex food? Many times during women gisting time you hear all kinds of stuff about what’s up in the bedroom between them and their husbands. Lots of laughter and chuckling when you hear stories…I mean me and my Girls talk now.

Often on a particular morning, evening or afternoon, a woman turns down/off her husband’s sleek move to have sex. “I am tired”; you pissed me off”; “I am not happy right now about something not necessarily about you, my partner…something is on my mind”. These and many more issues make a woman not be in the mood for sex.

For our men, sex is seriously food o 😀. When a man becomes cranky about everything around the house hmmm madam has not cooperated in bed niyen o! (Chuckling).

Do women enjoy sex all the time with their spouse, certainly not. I am curious if you are a man in what instances don’t you enjoy sex with your wife?

Now to my dear sisters…heee get it now sex is not only for procreation. What happens when those children leave home and they will! Sex is meant to help foster intimacy between husbands and wives. I mean that is one of the major reasons we marry now …from my church mind point of view… “Honour the marriage bed”…meaning no sex before marriage. So girl if you both have been waiting all your life to consummate your union, to finally be free…why deny each other? Why deny him?

Some women may not enjoy sex because they have no proper orientation about it or have had a bad experience. Sex is not meant for only men to enjoy. It for is for both of you to enjoy therefore learn the art by reading good healthy, books not Pornography o! You can also engage in a discussion with older couples who sabi the thing *wink*

And seriously men you need to slow down for us your wives if you are reading this. Take the time to caress her, learn the art and let her enjoy it too. It is not all about you just achieving ejaculation and that’s all.
My dear woman, when it comes to sex it is  not just about your mood, be available and prepare your mind ahead knowing that “Bros”  can suddenly initiate action.

And this one: stop using sex as a punishment weapon for your husband abeg!!! You put yourself under lock and key for 6 months, 1year, 2 years and you are wondering why your man has eyes elsewhere. For God’s sake how will that marriage work? I know marriage is not all about sex, I mean there is so much else about it to make it work. But stop complicating your life and blaming someone else when trouble comes.

I am not always in the mood but I learn to work around it with my husband. If night time will not work then early in the morning is a good time before getting out of bed. And who says you can’t initiate sex with your man! I beg spice up your marriage. Remember sex is food for men o(metaphorically very important and a necessity) …that is how they are wired.

Understand What Sex means to men:
Sex means “She loves me” – This is why a guy is dating you and he is thinking of when action will happen. And unfortunately some ladies have fallen for the lines: “If you love me you would…”, “Show me you love me”. Be careful girl don’t let someone use and dump you. Waiting is worth it.
Sex is a pressure release for men o: If a man has had a busy long hard day he wants to unwind and relax through sex. And I know women when we are tired it is a “Please leave me alone”! We have to find a way around that o as we cannot be tired every day. May God help our men to be sensitive and understanding too some times.

One thing you need to do to enjoy sex with your spouse:
Talk about your sex life with your husband. Tell him what you want and enjoy. Initiate it and don’t be shy about it. This will help you both to better understand and satisfy each other. We do that in my house o. At first “the husband” will be frowning when I turn him down but we had to talk about it and decided what works for us both. We are still growing and learning.

Sometimes be satisfied in the fact that your partner gets to release the pressure and hold you now *wink*. Seriously it is not every time that you will experience orgasm. Enjoy the opportunity to curdle at least… It is a whole learning process and it is continuous.

I do not claim to be an expert on this issue but simply creating a platform of discussion. I am just a sister wanting you to enjoy your intimacy life with your spouse.

If you don’t mind let’s talk about this. How do you make it work even when you are not in the mood?

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #4 – How to Recognize a Man who is Stingy and Won’t Pay the Bills

The last time we had a conversation on Woman to woman talk #3, I tried to encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short by believing that a man’s money is what you need to survive or have a comfortable life. Just because he gives you a diamond ring or rides a jet does not mean that you will be happy in that relationship/marriage.

Now does this mean a woman should settle for just any man? Does this mean that one can only be happy with a man that has a humble background? Certainly not!

My frank talk today is that if a man is not serious about making something of his life then that is not a man that will support you in achieving your own dreams.

What you Need to Watch out for:

  • If you have to pay all the bills all of the time while still dating your man…hmmm walk away now as you might end up being saddled with taking all the pressure of managing the family bills after you get married.
  • A man proposes to you and he has no source of income; his little room does not even have a bed; he sleeps in all day and gives you the excuse that jobs are hard to find…seriously!!! Let him get out and earn some money no matter how little before he asks for your hand in marriage. He is endowed with sweet poetic love lines and he mesmerizes you with it all the time. Don’t let that confuse your thinking faculty.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

  • And then this one haahaa: Lady just because a man showers you with gifts all the time does not mean that he is not stingy. Watch him closely. Is he just being generous to only you? Is he thoughtful, kind and generous to his close family, friends and others? If he is not it is only a matter of time that his true color will show up. He may not be that generous when he hooks you in a marriage commitment finally.

Seriously we see what we want to see when it comes to love matters. Don’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in your gut about that relationship.

Don’t excuse what you know you can’t cope with later on.

People don’t change that easily. In fact good and bad character traits become magnified in marriage.

Who to settle down with:

  • Marry a man who has a clear vision for his life; a man who knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work hard to get it not cheat his way there.
  • Marry a man willing to share the little he has with you now because he will be willing to share his big successes and wins later on in life.

A man who takes responsibility is what you need not just any man.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #2 : Would You Move in with him without Family Consent and Payment of your Bride Price?

A story comes to mind when I started to write this post. A lady fell in love and moved in to begin to live with her boyfriend or fiance not sure of how they actually defined that relationship.

They got comfortable living together and soon were expecting a baby? So exciting it was for them. This relationship seemed intact until a few years, I think the child was by then 2years old. Suddenly the young man found other interests. He became tired of this lady.

What I find annoying was that he sent her away pregnant with another baby(a set of twin this time). She couldn’t bring the matter before his family nor hers for their intervention. Why? Because according to the tradition and culture they had gotten married without the consent of their parents. And no bride price had been paid on her as is the practice. There were no wedding ceremony witnesses whether traditionally or in the church. There was no legal wedding in a court of law which could have at least given her some rights and protection.

She was left in the cold and alone with the love of her life gone with the wind. I am not judging this woman but I couldn’t help but feel her pain. And I wondered if things could have been different.

Let’s now face this issue head On:
Moving in with a guy in the name of love is one thing but hey protect yourself, woman. Although I believe in zipping up and waiting until the knot is tied. After all, it’s a commitment of a lifetime and why steal the meat you will enjoy for a long time… Anyway Get him to marry you properly as we say in Africa if you intend to settle down with him.

How to Protect yourself from being heartbroken:

Don’t pack your things and go live with a man washing his clothes, cooking and slaving away like a house maid and all the while thinking you are just being a Wife material.
He will soon lose respect for you and probably look for the woman that keeps him in good suspense.

Recognize and Waka pass(run away from) that old line… I love you and will soon meet your parents to ask for your hand in marriage. One year down the line he still hasn’t had the time to show you anyone from his family not to talk of meeting yours.

Sister be wise and get the message : you are not what he wants. Let it not be his wedding I.V to another woman that will wake you up.

Never let anything pressure you to settle for just anything in the name of I love him…or oh, my friends are getting married so I must join the bandwagon. 

Let your love eyes wear Googles o… In front and back if possible.

Bottom line, add common sense to this love matter and wanting to settle down in a marriage relationship.

And seriously lady you are worth waiting for and fighting for. Don’t sell yourself short.

Things do happen in a marriage relationship that family intervention will make a huge difference especially with our African way of doing things. Sometimes when a man is beginning to misbehave his family members can call him to order because they asked for the girl’s hand in marriage and did that which is expected traditionally.

And on a lighter note when your man remembers how your hefty brothers hold you their sister in high esteem your man will think twice before laying a hand on you to hurt you physically 😀

Ladies shine your eyes o…And wait patiently. Let him marry you properly or else take a walk. Someone is just around the corner waiting to go all the way for you. 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to woman Talk #1: Suspicion – How to Keep Your Man

Any relationship that will stand the test of time must be built on trust. And time will test your relationship with your close friends and most especially your relationship with your spouse/partner.

One time I traveled away from my family and I met some guys. Interesting people and we became acquaintances well time did not afford me the luxury of growing a better friendship with them. While chatting and joking about whatever I can’t even remember now a gist about how husbands are not committed/faithful to their wives came up. You know how a man is trying to hit on you and is trying to insinuate that you don’t even know what your husband is doing now. That line didn’t work with me as I laughed at it off.

My response to the man in question: “Seriously that is not one of the things I think about. It is simply not an issue between I and my husband as we trust each other and I trust God to continue to help us be faithful to each other”. They looked at me like I was really naïve.

Ok, sister/Woman/Lady reading this I know there are unfaithful spouses and partners out there but seriously you have a choice in the matter.

If you are still dating a guy/man and you notice that he flirts around walk away now no matter how much you think you love him. Some ladies think …”Oh so long as I get to be the one he gives a ring to then I am ok”. Come on! That ring is not going to break your heart He will and over and over again. People don’t change that easily only an encounter with God can change them.

Now to my married sisters…Hmmmn…I see a trend that is quite disturbing. A woman is suspicious about every move of her husband. She checks his phone for any rival; monitors his every move and nags him about cheating on her. Tell me how you will even be happy in that marriage. Girl, it is not your monitoring that will make your man faithful to you. Instead, you are susceptible to getting hypertension or a nervous breakdown.

You can actually turn your spouse into a cheater with the pressure of unnecessary suspicion. Some women drive their men crazy with monitoring his every move so much that the man begins to dread going home to his wife after closing from work. Such men begin to spend longer hours outside the home and this will only aggravate your fear as a woman.

So dear woman/sister please it is time to change your tactics in keeping your man. Suspicion will only make things worse neither can you continue on the path of being over possessive…you simply don’t want him talking to any other woman.

Concentrate on turning your man’s attention to you
Concentrate on making your man your friend
Concentrate on making him want to come to you every day as soon as he is done working for the day.

How to get your man to have eyes only for you and be your friend:
Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you will not trust another person’s love
Be a prayerful woman: You need God to teach you, change you and your partner for the better.

But My dear sister/woman going to prayer mountains may not be the solution you need to keep your man, you need to change your attitude also.

Work on being a better person and partner.
• Let go of your parent’s marriage issues: Some women think that since their parent’s marriage didn’t work or since their dad walked out on their mother every man cannot be trusted.

Your parent’s story doesn’t have to be your story. You can have a beautiful home and marriage.

Affirm your man and praise him even for little things he does. For example, your husband buys something and all you can think of is how he could have gotten a better deal. Then you go ahead to tell him that he was cheated, you are deflating his ego. Next time he might not buy anything again and don’t complain when he doesn’t.
Be interested in his job, hobbies and ask him about it. This kind of conversation is building friendship between you both. And seriously you don’t have to be a fan of his hobby but because it matters to him be interested. I am not a football fan but my husband….hehehe he loves football.

Suspicion only breeds trouble especially if the other party is not guilty of anything.

More Woman to Woman Talk Issues coming up on this blog: We will be talking and you can join the conversation. Let’s help each other succeed and become better.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)