Woman To Woman Talk #29 – One Moment of Insanity…Handle Yourself, It is Costly!

Mr & Mrs Odibi on their wedding day

In the past week news about the murder of a 50year old man named Mr. Otike Odibi lingered in my heart. His wife, Udeme Odibi, killed him, stabbing him several times and even severing his genitals. Forgive this disturbing description. I cannot seem to wrap my head around this?!!

Why would a woman do this to her husband; someone she loves?! Don’t give me that line about him violating or physically abusing her and therefore her actions were carried out in defense. This is simply unacceptable and inhumane!

No one whether man or woman should have to be a victim of gender-based violence or domestic violence.

I actually followed the story and there are different versions of the incidence which I will like to mention for the purpose of this post. An earlier report when the news of the incidence broke siad that, the couple had an argument about Mr. Otike Odibi ‘s Will. He had made his only daughter from an earlier marriage the beneficiary of his Will and the new wife Udeme won’t have it that way.

The latest update on the story according to police investigation revealed that the couple had issues bordering on infidelity. Udeme complained about her husband having extramarital affairs to family members on the day the unfortunate incidence happened. It was a pre-meditated murder!
Writing about this makes me really sad. I want to challenge our mindsets as women. This story is one out of other couples stories of women who beat, harm or killed their husbands. Have we become as mean and heartless as women?

If a man is cheating on you…Leave if you cannot find a way to stop the circle.

If a man is physically assaulting you…you have the option of leaving instead of allowing someone to bring the animal in you out to the fore.

If it is money issue and the desire to secure a better financial standing, please who says you have to be dependent on your husband. Work, save and invest your own money!

The desperation to keep your man has to stop woman! Suspicion only breeds more trouble; you lose your peace of mind and are always in a tensed mood. How is that living?! This morning I was reading a post that talks about each one of us been responsible for our own HAPPINESS! Your husband or man is not responsible for your happiness, you are!

Never allow others in your life to carry the burden of your happiness; No human being is faultless.

So if something is wrong or not working in your relationship, there are ways to go about resolving it instead of ending the life of another human being. Where does that leave you? Doing this takes your own freedom and life away.

Seek counseling from the right people when you have relationship issues. Don’t listen to those who would advise you not to “take sh*t” from anyone. By that they mean hit back, fight dirty…
Women, we cannot be advocating against gender-based violence been perpetrated by men when we are becoming the guilty assailant too. “, “What is good for the gander is good for the goose, please. Udeme happens to be a lawyer who knows what the law says. She is educated and has ways of fighting for her right without getting physical! Was it a one minute or moment of insanity? I really don’t know but seriously this has to STOP!

Women don’t let anything or anyone push you so hard that you become inhuman. Remember you are responsible for your actions and there are consequences.

Say No to all forms of Gender Based Violence.

Adebisi Adetunji (C) Founder Beehyve Empowerment and Development Initiative. Media content provider, Trainer & consultant, Behavioral Change Radio Drama, Communication4Development, Social Media Influencer
Catch me on Twitter @DebisiBusybee
Facebook & email – bisimodupe1975@gmail.com

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Woman To Woman Talk #28 – What to Do When He Beats You

Romoke felt the blows crashing into her body in quick succession. She is not sure whether to cry out as a wave of pain hits her on all sides and she is not even sure which part of her body again. A few moments later the beating stops and Romoke crawls on her knees dragging herself on the floor, the pain won’t allow her to stand and on so she dragged herself to rest her back on the wall. Her children stood before her crying and saying “mummy sorry”. Romoke knew she had to get up maybe not for herself but for her children. She finally mustered all the strength she had left to rise and clean up herself. Blood was trickling down her face, there was a cut on her head. Romoke walked dizzily to the bathroom to wash; to wash off the pain.

Moments later she was out of the shower wearing a long sleeve to cover the bruises on her arm. Her swollen head and face stared at her in the mirror; the pain won’t go away; the memories of the blows descending on her body came rushing back. Romoke shuddered and wondered how long she would have to put up with this. She had reported Tunde to the police, he was arrested and released and the beating didn’t stop. She shared her dilemma with her siblings but no one wanted her to take the option of leaving. Yes, the meant good in their own way, they want her marriage to survive. Romoke is not sure what to do anymore but she wants the beating to stop; she wants to get out but how?

Again and again, we hear stories like this about another woman who is beaten to the point of bleeding by her spouse or lover. Some end up in real tragedy and never get out of such abusive relationship alive. I just heard another of such story of wife battery today and the woman is looking for a way of escape and help but the option of leaving him is not yet on the table. I am baffled at the fact that women still stay on in these abusive relationships and worst still family members placate her to endure and keep her marriage!

Candid Opinion

If you are been physically assaulted by your man, GET OUT OF THERE! Yes get out, find somewhere to stay. Do not keep getting beaten and hold onto hope that he will one day change. Get out and let him work on himself and change,that is if he ever changes.

Some women stay on in an abusive relationship because of so many reasons which include:

  1. What will people say – Wanting others to believe that your life is perfect.
  2. Not financially able to cope with meeting personal needs and probably that of her children if they have them.
  3. Believing that he will change.
  4. Too emotionally attached to the man

Once you know that the man you are dating can or has physically assaulted you in any way END THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!

Once the man you are married to is physically assaulting you have a PLAN B. Get a job, save some money in order to be able to take care of yourself when you may have to leave that relationship.

#International Women’s Day 2018 Loading- Theme: Improving the lives of Women everywhere, rural or Urban; the time is now

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #27 Stop Stressing Yourself About What You Can’t Change

We women are emotional beings and therefore little things can upset us. In a relationships women are the most hit when things take a downward turn or it doesn’t work out totally.

This is a short and straight to the point post that says to you : Stop Stressing yourself about what you can’t change in your man! People don’t change easily and so you are not responsible for his action but you can choose how you react to it.

Your peace of mind and sanity is important. Some of us try so hard to change our man but nothing is working. The nagging, frustration, tears and stress pile up.

My candid advice:
He may never change. Accept what you can but not when it is a physically abusive relationship. This one you must escape for your life!!

I am talking about issues between you and your spouse that borders on… He didn’t help with bathing the children; he didn’t give me enough money, he doesn’t care enough, he did this or that… Seriously ask him to help! Some men will see you doing all the work and just believe that you are fine… Ask him to help… Tell him you are tired and exhausted.

On other family issues please stop stressing yourself. Find a way around the issues and make yourself Happy.

No one is responsible for your happiness, you and God are. Human beings are so not perfect.

Be grateful for what you have; stop comparing your spouse with other people’s husband. Relax God is in control!

Stop stress yourself about what you can’t change woman. Enjoy your life.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #22 – She Poured Hot Water on “the other Woman” In Her Husband’s Life

I was listening to a newspaper review a few days ago and one of the stories prompted this post.
The gist was that a woman angry with her husband’s lover decided to teach her a lifetime’s lesson: By pouring hot water on the said lady!! 😱 Now she has been arrested by the police to face the wrath of the law for physically assaulting someone.

Now tell me… What did she actually stand to gain by her actions… Self inflicted punishment. Now she will really loose her man, her freedom and her hard earned resources depending on what type of punishment will be meted out to her.

The above story is a familiar one. Often we hear of partners who express their anger towards a cheating partner by attacking his new lover/woman sharing him with you. Most times I am flabbergasted and somewhat concerned when women fight over a man. I guess such a lady /woman is trying to protect her territory.
😀

Of course you feel betrayed, hurt and some anger too when you find out that your man is cheating on you and that’s normal!

But how do you channel this emotions right such that you don’t give in to that momentary madness to harm your man or the “other woman”?

  • Understand that knowing about” the other woman” gives you an opportunity to protect yourself. Now you know that your partner or spouse is cheating on you. What if you never found out? So knowing is an information to arm yourself. This knowledge helps you to discover that there is a problem.
  • Are you really sure that he is cheating on you? I hope it is not a figment of your imaginations fired by unhealthy jealousy or possessive attitude. You stand the risk of loosing him if you go attacking an innocent “other woman”.
  • Fight your battle with love wisely. Do not act on the information while your emotions are boiling hot. Allow yourself time to let the issue sink in and achieve at least some form of calm. Cry if you have to, it is therapeutic.
  • Go for couples counsel or seek counsel from older couples whom you can trust. They should be people of experience who can counsel you right about what to do. Do not take the advice of anyone who encourages you to go fighting!! When the trouble comes rolling in, your adviser will leave you to face the music alone.
  • Confront your man and ask him directly about whether he is cheating on you. 😎 I know a good number of men will deny this and probably speak “sweet empty words” you cover up. Some even express anger pretending to be a wrongfully accused victim. If that happens and you are sure about your facts of his cheating on you, present your prove… Now watch his reaction. NOTE: If you are still too angry wait until you can have a calm conversation.
  • If you are still only dating him walk away now from that relationship. He is not going to be committed to you in marriage simply because you are the one he ends up giving a wedding ring to.
  • If you are married, it is not easy to walk away. You need counseling.
  • Find out the problem: Why did he cheat on you? Is it a one off thing or  has this been the practice with your man. It is a heart searching issue – Is there any role you played that led to this? Are there serious unresolved issues? Have you both been off sex for months unending?. You really must talk about this with your man. Counseling is key here.
  • Pray about this and just ask for guidance.

DON’TS

  • Do not report him to your family. They will be very emotional about the whole thing but if you do have a family member who can handle the matter with wisdom, go ahead. And just incase you do settle things between you and your partner/forgive him, your family will never forget.
  • Do not go telling everyone and particularly those friends whom you don’t even know if they were secretly wishing that you would lose your marriage.

Woman to Woman Talk#5 – Se Onje Ni? Is it Food? What…SEX

Now don’t let this post’s title confuse you simply hear me out on this matter. And seriously you are welcome to air your views and opinion on the matter even men. Yes …Men say your mind o I know you are stealing a look at this out of curiosity. Happy to have you read.

Ladies especially my Yoruba sisters you must be familiar with the phrase “Se ounje ni”? Hun…hun Is sex food? Many times during women gisting time you hear all kinds of stuff about what’s up in the bedroom between them and their husbands. Lots of laughter and chuckling when you hear stories…I mean me and my Girls talk now.

Often on a particular morning, evening or afternoon, a woman turns down/off her husband’s sleek move to have sex. “I am tired”; you pissed me off”; “I am not happy right now about something not necessarily about you, my partner…something is on my mind”. These and many more issues make a woman not be in the mood for sex.

For our men, sex is seriously food o 😀. When a man becomes cranky about everything around the house hmmm madam has not cooperated in bed niyen o! (Chuckling).

Do women enjoy sex all the time with their spouse, certainly not. I am curious if you are a man in what instances don’t you enjoy sex with your wife?

Now to my dear sisters…heee get it now sex is not only for procreation. What happens when those children leave home and they will! Sex is meant to help foster intimacy between husbands and wives. I mean that is one of the major reasons we marry now …from my church mind point of view… “Honour the marriage bed”…meaning no sex before marriage. So girl if you both have been waiting all your life to consummate your union, to finally be free…why deny each other? Why deny him?

Some women may not enjoy sex because they have no proper orientation about it or have had a bad experience. Sex is not meant for only men to enjoy. It for is for both of you to enjoy therefore learn the art by reading good healthy, books not Pornography o! You can also engage in a discussion with older couples who sabi the thing *wink*

And seriously men you need to slow down for us your wives if you are reading this. Take the time to caress her, learn the art and let her enjoy it too. It is not all about you just achieving ejaculation and that’s all.
My dear woman, when it comes to sex it is  not just about your mood, be available and prepare your mind ahead knowing that “Bros”  can suddenly initiate action.

And this one: stop using sex as a punishment weapon for your husband abeg!!! You put yourself under lock and key for 6 months, 1year, 2 years and you are wondering why your man has eyes elsewhere. For God’s sake how will that marriage work? I know marriage is not all about sex, I mean there is so much else about it to make it work. But stop complicating your life and blaming someone else when trouble comes.

I am not always in the mood but I learn to work around it with my husband. If night time will not work then early in the morning is a good time before getting out of bed. And who says you can’t initiate sex with your man! I beg spice up your marriage. Remember sex is food for men o(metaphorically very important and a necessity) …that is how they are wired.

Understand What Sex means to men:
Sex means “She loves me” – This is why a guy is dating you and he is thinking of when action will happen. And unfortunately some ladies have fallen for the lines: “If you love me you would…”, “Show me you love me”. Be careful girl don’t let someone use and dump you. Waiting is worth it.
Sex is a pressure release for men o: If a man has had a busy long hard day he wants to unwind and relax through sex. And I know women when we are tired it is a “Please leave me alone”! We have to find a way around that o as we cannot be tired every day. May God help our men to be sensitive and understanding too some times.

One thing you need to do to enjoy sex with your spouse:
Talk about your sex life with your husband. Tell him what you want and enjoy. Initiate it and don’t be shy about it. This will help you both to better understand and satisfy each other. We do that in my house o. At first “the husband” will be frowning when I turn him down but we had to talk about it and decided what works for us both. We are still growing and learning.

Sometimes be satisfied in the fact that your partner gets to release the pressure and hold you now *wink*. Seriously it is not every time that you will experience orgasm. Enjoy the opportunity to curdle at least… It is a whole learning process and it is continuous.

I do not claim to be an expert on this issue but simply creating a platform of discussion. I am just a sister wanting you to enjoy your intimacy life with your spouse.

If you don’t mind let’s talk about this. How do you make it work even when you are not in the mood?

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #4 – How to Recognize a Man who is Stingy and Won’t Pay the Bills

The last time we had a conversation on Woman to woman talk #3, I tried to encourage you to believe in yourself. Don’t sell yourself short by believing that a man’s money is what you need to survive or have a comfortable life. Just because he gives you a diamond ring or rides a jet does not mean that you will be happy in that relationship/marriage.

Now does this mean a woman should settle for just any man? Does this mean that one can only be happy with a man that has a humble background? Certainly not!

My frank talk today is that if a man is not serious about making something of his life then that is not a man that will support you in achieving your own dreams.

What you Need to Watch out for:

  • If you have to pay all the bills all of the time while still dating your man…hmmm walk away now as you might end up being saddled with taking all the pressure of managing the family bills after you get married.
  • A man proposes to you and he has no source of income; his little room does not even have a bed; he sleeps in all day and gives you the excuse that jobs are hard to find…seriously!!! Let him get out and earn some money no matter how little before he asks for your hand in marriage. He is endowed with sweet poetic love lines and he mesmerizes you with it all the time. Don’t let that confuse your thinking faculty.

Love is blind but marriage is an eye opener.

  • And then this one haahaa: Lady just because a man showers you with gifts all the time does not mean that he is not stingy. Watch him closely. Is he just being generous to only you? Is he thoughtful, kind and generous to his close family, friends and others? If he is not it is only a matter of time that his true color will show up. He may not be that generous when he hooks you in a marriage commitment finally.

Seriously we see what we want to see when it comes to love matters. Don’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling in your gut about that relationship.

Don’t excuse what you know you can’t cope with later on.

People don’t change that easily. In fact good and bad character traits become magnified in marriage.

Who to settle down with:

  • Marry a man who has a clear vision for his life; a man who knows what he wants out of life and is willing to work hard to get it not cheat his way there.
  • Marry a man willing to share the little he has with you now because he will be willing to share his big successes and wins later on in life.

A man who takes responsibility is what you need not just any man.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to Woman Talk #2 : Would You Move in with him without Family Consent and Payment of your Bride Price?

A story comes to mind when I started to write this post. A lady fell in love and moved in to begin to live with her boyfriend or fiance not sure of how they actually defined that relationship.

They got comfortable living together and soon were expecting a baby? So exciting it was for them. This relationship seemed intact until a few years, I think the child was by then 2years old. Suddenly the young man found other interests. He became tired of this lady.

What I find annoying was that he sent her away pregnant with another baby(a set of twin this time). She couldn’t bring the matter before his family nor hers for their intervention. Why? Because according to the tradition and culture they had gotten married without the consent of their parents. And no bride price had been paid on her as is the practice. There were no wedding ceremony witnesses whether traditionally or in the church. There was no legal wedding in a court of law which could have at least given her some rights and protection.

She was left in the cold and alone with the love of her life gone with the wind. I am not judging this woman but I couldn’t help but feel her pain. And I wondered if things could have been different.

Let’s now face this issue head On:
Moving in with a guy in the name of love is one thing but hey protect yourself, woman. Although I believe in zipping up and waiting until the knot is tied. After all, it’s a commitment of a lifetime and why steal the meat you will enjoy for a long time… Anyway Get him to marry you properly as we say in Africa if you intend to settle down with him.

How to Protect yourself from being heartbroken:

Don’t pack your things and go live with a man washing his clothes, cooking and slaving away like a house maid and all the while thinking you are just being a Wife material.
He will soon lose respect for you and probably look for the woman that keeps him in good suspense.

Recognize and Waka pass(run away from) that old line… I love you and will soon meet your parents to ask for your hand in marriage. One year down the line he still hasn’t had the time to show you anyone from his family not to talk of meeting yours.

Sister be wise and get the message : you are not what he wants. Let it not be his wedding I.V to another woman that will wake you up.

Never let anything pressure you to settle for just anything in the name of I love him…or oh, my friends are getting married so I must join the bandwagon. 

Let your love eyes wear Googles o… In front and back if possible.

Bottom line, add common sense to this love matter and wanting to settle down in a marriage relationship.

And seriously lady you are worth waiting for and fighting for. Don’t sell yourself short.

Things do happen in a marriage relationship that family intervention will make a huge difference especially with our African way of doing things. Sometimes when a man is beginning to misbehave his family members can call him to order because they asked for the girl’s hand in marriage and did that which is expected traditionally.

And on a lighter note when your man remembers how your hefty brothers hold you their sister in high esteem your man will think twice before laying a hand on you to hurt you physically 😀

Ladies shine your eyes o…And wait patiently. Let him marry you properly or else take a walk. Someone is just around the corner waiting to go all the way for you. 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)