Woman to Woman Talk #22 – She Poured Hot Water on “the other Woman” In Her Husband’s Life

I was listening to a newspaper review a few days ago and one of the stories prompted this post.
The gist was that a woman angry with her husband’s lover decided to teach her a lifetime’s lesson: By pouring hot water on the said lady!! 😱 Now she has been arrested by the police to face the wrath of the law for physically assaulting someone.

Now tell me… What did she actually stand to gain by her actions… Self inflicted punishment. Now she will really loose her man, her freedom and her hard earned resources depending on what type of punishment will be meted out to her.

The above story is a familiar one. Often we hear of partners who express their anger towards a cheating partner by attacking his new lover/woman sharing him with you. Most times I am flabbergasted and somewhat concerned when women fight over a man. I guess such a lady /woman is trying to protect her territory.
😀

Of course you feel betrayed, hurt and some anger too when you find out that your man is cheating on you and that’s normal!

But how do you channel this emotions right such that you don’t give in to that momentary madness to harm your man or the “other woman”?

  • Understand that knowing about” the other woman” gives you an opportunity to protect yourself. Now you know that your partner or spouse is cheating on you. What if you never found out? So knowing is an information to arm yourself. This knowledge helps you to discover that there is a problem.
  • Are you really sure that he is cheating on you? I hope it is not a figment of your imaginations fired by unhealthy jealousy or possessive attitude. You stand the risk of loosing him if you go attacking an innocent “other woman”.
  • Fight your battle with love wisely. Do not act on the information while your emotions are boiling hot. Allow yourself time to let the issue sink in and achieve at least some form of calm. Cry if you have to, it is therapeutic.
  • Go for couples counsel or seek counsel from older couples whom you can trust. They should be people of experience who can counsel you right about what to do. Do not take the advice of anyone who encourages you to go fighting!! When the trouble comes rolling in, your adviser will leave you to face the music alone.
  • Confront your man and ask him directly about whether he is cheating on you. 😎 I know a good number of men will deny this and probably speak “sweet empty words” you cover up. Some even express anger pretending to be a wrongfully accused victim. If that happens and you are sure about your facts of his cheating on you, present your prove… Now watch his reaction. NOTE: If you are still too angry wait until you can have a calm conversation.
  • If you are still only dating him walk away now from that relationship. He is not going to be committed to you in marriage simply because you are the one he ends up giving a wedding ring to.
  • If you are married, it is not easy to walk away. You need counseling.
  • Find out the problem: Why did he cheat on you? Is it a one off thing or  has this been the practice with your man. It is a heart searching issue – Is there any role you played that led to this? Are there serious unresolved issues? Have you both been off sex for months unending?. You really must talk about this with your man. Counseling is key here.
  • Pray about this and just ask for guidance.

DON’TS

  • Do not report him to your family. They will be very emotional about the whole thing but if you do have a family member who can handle the matter with wisdom, go ahead. And just incase you do settle things between you and your partner/forgive him, your family will never forget.
  • Do not go telling everyone and particularly those friends whom you don’t even know if they were secretly wishing that you would lose your marriage.
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Should Bride Price Be Paid When a Woman is Pregnant?

I get a lot of Google search on whether the bride price of a woman who is already pregnant for her fiance should be paid.

In this post, I will attempt to answer this question with my little knowledge about how our African culture works.

Firstly You need to understand what a “bride price”, means. It is a traditional token given during a traditional wedding ceremony between two families in a marriage rite. Acceptance of a bride price from a suitor is also the lady’s family endorsement that they willingly gave their daughter away in marriage. You may say it is an acceptance of the groom and his family. It is a token saying we value this woman whom our son wants to marry! We appreciate all that her family had done to raise her.

Bride Price is a serious matter in Africa and at least in Nigeria where I am from. People believe that a woman whose bride price was not paid did not “marry properly”. In some tribes in the eastern part of the country, if a man does not pay the bride price of his wife to be, it is believed not to be a valid marriage union. All the children the woman gives birth to belong to her father. And they have a way around this practice. In fact, if such a woman dies, the man will be asked to marry her properly by paying her bride price and performing all that is expected of him traditionally before she can be buried.

Traditionally a woman who moves to live with her man without the traditional rite is on her own. If anything goes wrong in that relationship she will not have family support in some cases.

Getting pregnant does not excuse a man from paying the bride price of the woman he intends to marry where I come from. Bride Price is simply putting a value on the woman by the suitor and his family. Getting pregnant does not reduce the woman’s value. In fact, children are seen as blessings.

Bride Price is very important so it is required of a man to pay even if your wife to be, gets pregnant. Now how much you pay depends on the family and their cultural practice/belief.

Do you pay the bride price in your culture, how is it done? Please share.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Hmmm… This Story Touched me… It just might Save Your Marriage

MARRIED OR NOT, YOU SHOULD READ THIS .………..A friend posted on my whatsapp and I simply want to share it with you.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know crewhat I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? You know

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Remember love is the richest of all treasures. Without it there is nothing; and with it there is everything. Love never perishes , even if the bones of a lover are ground fine like powder. Just as the perfume of sandalwood does not leave it, even if it is completely ground up, similarly the basis of love is the soul, and it is indestructible and therefore eternal. Beauty can be destroyed , but not love.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Movie Review: The Wedding Party – Its dramatic, a power tussle and Love saga

Finally, I got around to watching this much talked about the movie which started showing in the cinemas in December 2016. The Wedding Party is a Nigerian romantic and comedy movie. It is dramatic, funny, a power tussle between two wealthy families and a love saga as well.

If you are a Nigerian this movie reminds you of when you first introduced your intended who happens to be from another culture to your parents!!! This can sometimes meet with resistance.

If you are from across the globe The Wedding Party showcases the cultural side of a typical Nigerian marriage. We like our wedding party/ceremony to be big with your whole village clan, family, and friends in attendance. Apart from this expect the “Mo gbo, mo yaa (Uninvited guests who are not related or known to the couple or even their family members). They are the gate crashers.

In Nigeria when you print a 100 wedding invitation cards plan for 300 guests. Yes, o…for example if you invite me and my husband we will bring our children and also neighbors who might be less busy on your wedding day and whom you don’t know. In the movie, you are definitely going to see gate crashers.

The Wedding Party is the love story of a young couple who struggle to get the approval of the groom’s mother. They also had to contend with former girlfriends of the groom as well. The story all happens in one day from the morning of the wedding to the reception where the bride takes off because of a shocking betraying revelation.

Meanwhile, the bride and groom’s parents also have secrets of their own. The bride’s father is broke and hadn’t paid for the cake wedding and other food items meant for the wedding but his wife thinks they have got what it takes to show her proud son-in-law’s mother that they were rich as well.

The groom’s parents are struggling with their marriage and for many years they haven’t been able to fix it. These secrets spilled out when the two families are held at gunpoint by an “area boy” who had earlier sneaked into the wedding reception. Tempers flared between the families and they soon found out that the only way they were going to save themselves was to work as a team.

The Wedding Party ends on a note of hope and reconciliation. A fantastic love story of the young and the old the Nigerian way.

Lessons
– No matter how old your marriage becomes you need to keep love alive.
– Stop taking one another for granted.
– Fix the problem quickly before it becomes a mighty ocean that will eventually drown you all.
– Remember to say I love you often
– Stay faithful to your partner
– Mistakes happen, fix it don’t repeat it.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

A basket of fruits and a Bride: Family Pre-wedding Introduction in Yoruba Culture

When a couple decides to take things further by tying the knot. In Africa or at least Nigeria the lovers speak to their parents and a date is fixed for what we call “family Introduction” as the Yorubas call it.

The groom to be’s  family members will go visiting their in laws with a basket of fruits. Sometimes the basket of fruits can be more than one accompanied with bottles of  wine.


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Both families meet and are introduced to themselves. After this fun meeting because it is usually a party time as the bride to be’s family prepare a table for their in laws to be.

In the end a date is fixed for the traditional wedding and church/court/Nikki wedding.

The bride’s family also give the groom’s family a carton of biscuits, bottle of wine and pack of sweets as a take away gift.


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Family support and approval is very important in the decision to get married.

This post was inspired by my  brother in law’ s “Family Introduction”. Congratulations namesake – Bisicrown  and Opeyemi. img_20161225_164904

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

You Must Read this Love Story… Inspiring.

This love tale keeps blossoming even after 34years. We need more marriages that will stand the test of time.

anniversary-tinz“So here’s the thing. The 19 year old brother of my school mate and friend Meg came to my school one Visiting Sunday with his parents and siblings to visit her. Having no family in Kano, I was on Meet, Greet and Call detail. Later I stopped at their picnic to greet Meg’s family and we were introduced. He was a slim geeky lad with glasses and a reserved mien. I liked him. I liked his brown intense eyes. But he was anything but my type. I thought I liked the extroverted, party animal, with it, fun loving, I know all the latest dance steps, know all the lyrics to all the latest records, know what’s going on kind. It was 3 days to my 17th birthday. He made me laugh. Quiet sense of humor, ok. He made eye contact the entire time. He obviously liked me. His intent brown eyes got me. And after I walked away, I thought Hmm I like him. He’s too quiet though. But I talked so much. He still makes me talk too much to this day. He’s a master of the art of making others do the talking and still make it the best conversation you ever had. That’s my Toni. Oh another thing I loved about him that sealed the deal? He loved his mom so much and was so close to his younger only sister, they wrote each other every week. Wow. Here’s someone who’d care for me perhaps, I said to myself. 3 days later I received a birthday card and a friendly letter. Ok that’s enough now. 9 years later we wedded. 34 years ago. Boy meets girl, who’d have thought that would lead to this. I’m so happy and blessed. God loves me to give me Toni’s love as well. We give thanks”

Take Away Points:

Opposites attract.  You don’t have to like the same things just enjoy each other’s company.

If He loves his mother then he can love you better. No cause for alarm.

Happy Wedding Anniversary Mr & Mrs Toni/Data Phido. May you enjoy more blissful years filled with love.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

14 years and still Counting….

14 years and still Counting…. FAMILY PIX
It looked like yesterday
We started out in a single room, sleeping on a mattress on the floor
There was no TV, no Stauffer
But we had a lot of love
There was no car, no carpet yet
But we enjoyed strolling down the road hand in hand
We didn’t earn big figures as salaries
But we enjoyed our dozes of vegetables, ponmo, eja kika and eba

FAMILY PIX

14 years and still counting
We have grown
We have more responsibilities
Our family is bigger
We have been to places
We are certainly not where we used to be
We are more blessed

14 years and still counting
We have got bigger dreams waiting to happen
Let the years roll on as we walk together hand in hand
Trusting our heavenly father to unfold bigger and beautiful things
Grateful for this gift…our home…our marriage!!!

Adebisi Adetunji (C)