Why Some Women Detest Sex: How to change this

COUPLEIn marriage two things are a major cause of fights and quarrels: Sex and Money. I love you has nothing to do with the economic status of a person that makes your world spin nicely. However money enhances love in ways we never see until bills pile up. You need money to put a roof over your heads; money to take her/him out; money to pay for gas, school fees and so on. This is not my focus of discussion in this post.

Apart from money the other thing that causes tension in a marriage relationship is Sex. This problem is an issue couples are silent about. It’s like we point fingers at every other thing but the main issue. When a man is cranky and irritable especially early in the morning check out his sex life with his wife.
And if such a man has a wife who is almost ever not interested then the problem forms a bigger circle.

In my culture and circle I have heard women say things like: se ounje ni? ( Literal interpretation – Is it food? Meaning that it is not as necessary as food) My take: It is more than food.

Many of us never heard our mothers talk about their sex life and most mothers/parents won’t talk about it. And when they finally talk about it you hear phrases that say it is all about satisfying the man. Nobody teaches the woman that SEX is something meant for her enjoyment and many of our men either do not know or understand this.

I believe that women and men wanting a lasting and fulfilling intimacy need to have proper education about sex. Men think they know all that is needed …I mean they are the men here…a little ego trip. Permit me to be a little frank….it is not just about inserting the penis and coming out from the vagina after ejaculation. A man has got to know the process that makes for enjoyable sex with his wife.

A quick mention of some women’s reasons for detesting sex:
My man is always in a hurry
• He is rough
• I don’t enjoy sex; it’s too much work
• I am not always in the mood
• I am always tired

Sex is an important ingredient in any marriage. It is a fuel that keeps oiling your relationship which makes for smooth movement of your love wheel or chain.

How we can change things ad throw some fireworks into our love lives as couples
Read books that give information about how to have a fulfilling sex life as a man or woman: (I am not talking about Porn materials).
• Talk to older couples or peer couples whom you can share experience with and help each other out to make it work. Seriously this is something we should stop shying away from. If you’ve got problems with your sex life talk to someone about it…get help.
• Attend couples retreats and marriage seminars/programs in church, your club or group.
• Talk with each other about your sex life. As a couple you should not be ashamed to talk about how you feel about your sex life/experience. It should not be an ice that you walk around afraid that it might break.
• Tell your partner what you enjoy, what you would like and what you don’t like. Learn to negotiate; do not force each other to do what you do not like.
• Women learn to participate in the sex process and seriously Mr Man slow down…
• Talk to your doctor if you are concerned about problems of tight vagina, delay in ejaculation or erection.
• Help your wife with some of your house chores and care of the kids so she is not always stressed and tired.
• If she is too tired for thee show at night, negotiate an early morning ride…haaa…haaa
• And ladies you cannot be tired every day of the week; you’ve got to plan and manage your time well. A good shower works magic.

And a quick question for the clergy and marriage counselors: Do you just glaze over sex and intimacy issues while counseling young couples? When I went through counseling, we were lucky to have an older couple who was frank and very down to earth with I and my husband. There my man was told that he had a lot to do in making me enjoy sex with practical examples. I was also told that I had a part to play in the whole process. So we took off on our journey on a right and informed note.

I was clear; my man was clear that:
* sex was not just about satisfying the man.
* That we were going to enjoy ourselves.
And through the years we have grown and are both enjoying our sex life. Ok not that I don’t have days that I am seriously put off and not in the mood but we talk about it and bear with one another.

Your Sex life with your spouse could be more fulflling and satisfying.

Photo Credit: Couples Collection – Spyderonline.com

Adebisi Adetunji ©

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A Bride’s First Night experience

A growing concern for some women and some men just don’t understand why their woman detest…what? Ok read this story first and see what i mean.

A Typical  Bride in Nigeria
A Typical Bride in Nigeria

Finally the wedding day arrived and the hunters fired shots into the air, signifying that one of their own was about to take a bride. Women danced and children were excited at the amount of food there was to eat. At sunset, I was escorted by my maiden friends who helped me to carry my cooking pots, calabashes, cloths and all the things I needed to take to my new home. I did not forget to take along my beloved mirror. I wanted to make myself beautiful in front of it every day for my husband. We arrived at Manya’s family compound, a midst loud chanting.

The women received me and took me to a room in Manya’s hut. They giggled as they left and shut the door behind them. I was about to become a woman, as mama had explained. I became afraid and tense wondering what the first night with my husband would be like. It was a long time before I heard the door opening. Manya came towards me. He was drunk. That night, a pain engulfed my whole body; a pain like I had never experienced before.

Days later, I was still limping from my first night with Manya. Mother said, a good wife must always make herself available to her man whenever he needs her.   But why did it hurt so badly every time? I wanted to always make him happy. “Only a strong woman can keep a strong man”, she said, but I dreaded each time we were together.

A wedding night consummation of love should not result into maiming the bride. How many men are taught the art of been gentle with their women when it comes to sex? Sex is not all about satisfying the man it should be a mutual satisfaction. How gentle are you in bed with your wife? Is it just a rush in and rush out? Couples need to get sex education before venturing into marriage.

Excerpt from the short story: Face in the mirror

Adebisi Adetunji

SEX: My wife is always tired!

SEX MATTER 1

Diran watched his wife, Titi through the door way of the kitchen. He had enjoyed the sumptuous meal and dinner time was filled with laughter. He helped to tuck the kids in bed after telling them a good night story and praying with them. Titi was singing and washing dishes. She moved from one end of the kitchen to the other trying to clean up oblivious of her husband’s presence. Diran was mesmerised watching his wife’s swaying hips. He moved in to hold her from the back and gave her a kiss on her cheek. T-darling as he fondly called her, “you look ravishing tonight”, he commented. Titi does not answer so Diran tries another line. “How can I be of help?” Titi answers coolly, “don’t worry I can manage”. But he wasn’t giving up easily, “you look so tired and worn why don’t you leave the cleaning until tomorrow”. This time Titi snaps and says, “woo I don’t want to wake up seeing a messy kitchen in the morning.” That was a warning sign saying Diran should back off. So he gives her a warm embrace that resulted into Titi sighing and shrugging her shoulder. Later in the bed Diran tries to hold his wife and she moves away from him, yawning “ Diran you know I am so tired…meaning that they won’t be having sex that night. Diran felt deflated. Frustrated he said “how come you are always tired”! And Titi responded, “But we had sex two days ago, haa…ha I’m trying now. And I don’t understand why we can’t have a break”! Igba ti o ki nse ounje (literally- Its not food)! Diran turned his back hurt by his wife’s words and she adjusted her pillow and slept off snoring. SEX MATTER 2

This is the story of many husbands and wives. They say money and sex are the biggest cause of rift between couples. Why does is it seem that men want more sex than women do? Now this is not to say there aren’t women who have a high sexual drive. From what I know sex means different things to men and women.

What sex means to a man:
• Sex means love to a man. How so? Have you ever heard the words, “if you love me prove it” Familiar line of a young man who wants a lady to sleep with him.
• It is an antidote for stress in men. When a man has had a stressful day, sex is one sure way of relaxing his nerves. But trust me when a woman is stressed out and tired, sex is the last thing on her mind.

Why women are always tired:

For very obvious reasons tiredness comes when a person is over worked or stressed up. Many women especially wives/mothers have their plate full.
ii) If Sex to her means just satisfying the man’s craving…meaning that for some reason she doesn’t enjoy it.
iii) If there is no proper orientation about what sex should be.

How to have a better sex relationship between couples

•The starting point to meeting each others sexual needs as a couple is to talk and keep talking about what you both want.

• Then I believe a proper orientation about sex been something to be enjoyed by both the man and the woman is key. What do I mean by this: In the African context I don’t know about other culture, it seems men are taught that sex is a civic duty a wife must perform. The man thinks that it is all about satisfying his sexual urge so he doesn’t really know how to make his wife enjoy the process. And many women too see sex as a necessary task that must be performed to satisfy her husband. With this orientation she would definitely not be looking forward to her sex time with him.

• Each partner should get rid of the selfish attitude and think of the other first. If you are a man whose wife is always tired, take the pains to find out why. Don’t just assume that she just wants to deny or punish you with sex. And ladies/women get real you can’t afford to be tired all the time, sex is part of what spices and keeps oiling the wheel of your marriage.

• Husband chat with your wife about her day or whatever she wants to talk about

• Wife take a good shower and try to relax…cooperate when he is trying to have a chat with you. Enjoy his company and laugh about whatever silly thing you can come up with.

• Have a pillow fight…looks silly but try been kids again with each other. A relaxed atmosphere works magic.

• Husband, take her out on a date…give her a night she doesn’t have to cook or worry about the kids then see whether tiredness will still be an excuse.

• Wife…hmmnn…get involved in the action don’t just allow him to the all the work of caressing. Hen…no be only man suppose know how to….

• Slow down…slow down don’t rush things…take your time.

• Wife you might not reach orgasm all the time but can still be satisfied that you had a good sex time with your man.

• If the night will not work because “the wife” is tired…early morning cozy and intimate time would be refreshing for both of you.
The idea is find out what works for you both and keep working at it.

And seriously sisters don’t leave the move only to your husband, common make some moves too…be the one to initiate sex on those days you are happy so he won’t think you are just always tired!
I am no expert at this sex matter between couples but I hope this is helpful to kick alive the sex life of your marriage.

Photo Credit 1: www.dailymail.co.uk

Photo Credit 2: health.clevelandclinic.org

Adebisi Adetunji