SINGLE MOMHOOD #1: How to Move On In spite of your Pain & Hurt

This post is the first in the series on Single Parenthood, particularly for moms. As I said in a previous post  (How can one show support, love, and understanding to single parents -moms)  my heart is with every single mum reading this. So this series is about looking into the issues of concern in the life of single mums and together we try to offer support to each other. I am not a single mum but I have been in the forefront of supporting and been there for a few people ranging from close family members and others in my close niche. I must say that it is tough, turbulent, emotionally and physically draining for these mothers. Many times even those of us trying to help and support can only do our best; we simply cannot fully understand their struggles. So here I am hoping to reach out to a wider audience of single mums, saying that hey…you are not alone! Wrap your arms around your chest, smile and hug yourself. Now that is a hug from me saying, I love you and you are doing a great job. If you are not a single mum but reading this please give a warm hug to a single mum you know and tell them that it will be okay.

It is time to open the curtain to take a look at what is up here:
Often I see and meet women who are saddled with caring for their children alone with little or no support. Single motherhood happens for a number of reasons ranging from loss of a spouse, divorce/separation, and teenage pregnancy, unwanted pregnancy by the father of the baby who is not ready to take responsibility; and grandmas or older adults taking care of their children or children belonging to other family members. More often than not we find that more women than men have found themselves in the corridor of single parenting task.

How you became a single mother is not the issue here, in fact, I want you to move beyond what happened so you can enjoy your life. This is easier said than done I know, but life must go on. If you have been hurt through divorce/separation or by a father who was not ready to have a child leaving you all alone to take care of that baby; you need to break free by letting go in forgiveness. Yes, forgive the one who hurt you. Hard sometimes but forgiving the one that hurt you is simply doing yourself a favor; it is having control over your life and emotions.

How? When you hold onto the hurt and refuse to forgive, the other person though not physically present has control over your life and thoughts. Holding that grudge and hurt gives room for bitterness which in turn would hurt your health. Studies have shown that bitterness, anger and depression leads to health problems. So you need to work on letting go.  Not letting go will, in turn, affect a possible relationship with someone else and your love life too. So before you can move on, you need to cross that line of forgiving the person that hurt you. I once was deeply hurt by someone dear to me, it was difficult forgiving and letting go but my way around it was to pray and ask God to help me forgive. Of course I cried a number of times, allowed myself to heal emotionally but finally, I arrived at the point of being able to forgive. Does this mean that I don’t remember the issue? Absolutely I still do but not with pain or hurt in my heart. I feel free and I am able to forge a new relationship even with the person.

Speaking of that, If the father of your child/children is still very much alive (now don’t go wishing him dead) he probably will be involved in the life of his children at some point. You will both have to deal with caring for the children or support issues. You cannot keep being angry every time you have to deal with each other…It makes your life miserable.

Remember you may not be able to control the choices of your partner that left you in that single mumhood position but you can control how you deal with it. You can say hey…My life doesn’t stop; I am living the best of my life. So still enjoy your life, for when you are happy your child/children can have you as a support because they are also dealing with their own emotions about all that is going on.

If you have to deal with the loss of a spouse I pray that you will be comforted on all sides; time will heal your wounds. This is not to belittle your pain but I want you to know that you will smile again.

The point of this first post is that you need to forgive and start your healing process to be able to move on and live life to its fullest. And don’t go blaming yourself or others or even God. These things do happen.

Our trials and tough times can make us stronger and even open the door to greater beautiful things in our lives.

For I know the plans that I have for you; Plans of good and not of evil. To give you a hope and a future and to bring you to an expected end (A good end). Jeremiah 29:11.

Please, I cannot do this alone – I mean support & Help for Single Mums: Share your thoughts about how you are coping and healing as a single mum. Feel free to post questions that others going through the same things can help you with. If you would also like to share a story or experience that will help others please write and send to my email – Thank you.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)