Woman to Woman Talk #2 : Would You Move in with him without Family Consent and Payment of your Bride Price?

A story comes to mind when I started to write this post. A lady fell in love and moved in to begin to live with her boyfriend or fiance not sure of how they actually defined that relationship.

They got comfortable living together and soon were expecting a baby? So exciting it was for them. This relationship seemed intact until a few years, I think the child was by then 2years old. Suddenly the young man found other interests. He became tired of this lady.

What I find annoying was that he sent her away pregnant with another baby(a set of twin this time). She couldn’t bring the matter before his family nor hers for their intervention. Why? Because according to the tradition and culture they had gotten married without the consent of their parents. And no bride price had been paid on her as is the practice. There were no wedding ceremony witnesses whether traditionally or in the church. There was no legal wedding in a court of law which could have at least given her some rights and protection.

She was left in the cold and alone with the love of her life gone with the wind. I am not judging this woman but I couldn’t help but feel her pain. And I wondered if things could have been different.

Let’s now face this issue head On:
Moving in with a guy in the name of love is one thing but hey protect yourself, woman. Although I believe in zipping up and waiting until the knot is tied. After all, it’s a commitment of a lifetime and why steal the meat you will enjoy for a long time… Anyway Get him to marry you properly as we say in Africa if you intend to settle down with him.

How to Protect yourself from being heartbroken:

Don’t pack your things and go live with a man washing his clothes, cooking and slaving away like a house maid and all the while thinking you are just being a Wife material.
He will soon lose respect for you and probably look for the woman that keeps him in good suspense.

Recognize and Waka pass(run away from) that old line… I love you and will soon meet your parents to ask for your hand in marriage. One year down the line he still hasn’t had the time to show you anyone from his family not to talk of meeting yours.

Sister be wise and get the message : you are not what he wants. Let it not be his wedding I.V to another woman that will wake you up.

Never let anything pressure you to settle for just anything in the name of I love him…or oh, my friends are getting married so I must join the bandwagon. 

Let your love eyes wear Googles o… In front and back if possible.

Bottom line, add common sense to this love matter and wanting to settle down in a marriage relationship.

And seriously lady you are worth waiting for and fighting for. Don’t sell yourself short.

Things do happen in a marriage relationship that family intervention will make a huge difference especially with our African way of doing things. Sometimes when a man is beginning to misbehave his family members can call him to order because they asked for the girl’s hand in marriage and did that which is expected traditionally.

And on a lighter note when your man remembers how your hefty brothers hold you their sister in high esteem your man will think twice before laying a hand on you to hurt you physically 😀

Ladies shine your eyes o…And wait patiently. Let him marry you properly or else take a walk. Someone is just around the corner waiting to go all the way for you. 

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman to woman Talk #1: Suspicion – How to Keep Your Man

Any relationship that will stand the test of time must be built on trust. And time will test your relationship with your close friends and most especially your relationship with your spouse/partner.

One time I traveled away from my family and I met some guys. Interesting people and we became acquaintances well time did not afford me the luxury of growing a better friendship with them. While chatting and joking about whatever I can’t even remember now a gist about how husbands are not committed/faithful to their wives came up. You know how a man is trying to hit on you and is trying to insinuate that you don’t even know what your husband is doing now. That line didn’t work with me as I laughed at it off.

My response to the man in question: “Seriously that is not one of the things I think about. It is simply not an issue between I and my husband as we trust each other and I trust God to continue to help us be faithful to each other”. They looked at me like I was really naïve.

Ok, sister/Woman/Lady reading this I know there are unfaithful spouses and partners out there but seriously you have a choice in the matter.

If you are still dating a guy/man and you notice that he flirts around walk away now no matter how much you think you love him. Some ladies think …”Oh so long as I get to be the one he gives a ring to then I am ok”. Come on! That ring is not going to break your heart He will and over and over again. People don’t change that easily only an encounter with God can change them.

Now to my married sisters…Hmmmn…I see a trend that is quite disturbing. A woman is suspicious about every move of her husband. She checks his phone for any rival; monitors his every move and nags him about cheating on her. Tell me how you will even be happy in that marriage. Girl, it is not your monitoring that will make your man faithful to you. Instead, you are susceptible to getting hypertension or a nervous breakdown.

You can actually turn your spouse into a cheater with the pressure of unnecessary suspicion. Some women drive their men crazy with monitoring his every move so much that the man begins to dread going home to his wife after closing from work. Such men begin to spend longer hours outside the home and this will only aggravate your fear as a woman.

So dear woman/sister please it is time to change your tactics in keeping your man. Suspicion will only make things worse neither can you continue on the path of being over possessive…you simply don’t want him talking to any other woman.

Concentrate on turning your man’s attention to you
Concentrate on making your man your friend
Concentrate on making him want to come to you every day as soon as he is done working for the day.

How to get your man to have eyes only for you and be your friend:
Love yourself. If you don’t love yourself you will not trust another person’s love
Be a prayerful woman: You need God to teach you, change you and your partner for the better.

But My dear sister/woman going to prayer mountains may not be the solution you need to keep your man, you need to change your attitude also.

Work on being a better person and partner.
• Let go of your parent’s marriage issues: Some women think that since their parent’s marriage didn’t work or since their dad walked out on their mother every man cannot be trusted.

Your parent’s story doesn’t have to be your story. You can have a beautiful home and marriage.

Affirm your man and praise him even for little things he does. For example, your husband buys something and all you can think of is how he could have gotten a better deal. Then you go ahead to tell him that he was cheated, you are deflating his ego. Next time he might not buy anything again and don’t complain when he doesn’t.
Be interested in his job, hobbies and ask him about it. This kind of conversation is building friendship between you both. And seriously you don’t have to be a fan of his hobby but because it matters to him be interested. I am not a football fan but my husband….hehehe he loves football.

Suspicion only breeds trouble especially if the other party is not guilty of anything.

More Woman to Woman Talk Issues coming up on this blog: We will be talking and you can join the conversation. Let’s help each other succeed and become better.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)