Woman To Woman Talk #28 – What to Do When He Beats You

Romoke felt the blows crashing into her body in quick succession. She is not sure whether to cry out as a wave of pain hits her on all sides and she is not even sure which part of her body again. A few moments later the beating stops and Romoke crawls on her knees dragging herself on the floor, the pain won’t allow her to stand and on so she dragged herself to rest her back on the wall. Her children stood before her crying and saying “mummy sorry”. Romoke knew she had to get up maybe not for herself but for her children. She finally mustered all the strength she had left to rise and clean up herself. Blood was trickling down her face, there was a cut on her head. Romoke walked dizzily to the bathroom to wash; to wash off the pain.

Moments later she was out of the shower wearing a long sleeve to cover the bruises on her arm. Her swollen head and face stared at her in the mirror; the pain won’t go away; the memories of the blows descending on her body came rushing back. Romoke shuddered and wondered how long she would have to put up with this. She had reported Tunde to the police, he was arrested and released and the beating didn’t stop. She shared her dilemma with her siblings but no one wanted her to take the option of leaving. Yes, the meant good in their own way, they want her marriage to survive. Romoke is not sure what to do anymore but she wants the beating to stop; she wants to get out but how?

Again and again, we hear stories like this about another woman who is beaten to the point of bleeding by her spouse or lover. Some end up in real tragedy and never get out of such abusive relationship alive. I just heard another of such story of wife battery today and the woman is looking for a way of escape and help but the option of leaving him is not yet on the table. I am baffled at the fact that women still stay on in these abusive relationships and worst still family members placate her to endure and keep her marriage!

Candid Opinion

If you are been physically assaulted by your man, GET OUT OF THERE! Yes get out, find somewhere to stay. Do not keep getting beaten and hold onto hope that he will one day change. Get out and let him work on himself and change,that is if he ever changes.

Some women stay on in an abusive relationship because of so many reasons which include:

  1. What will people say – Wanting others to believe that your life is perfect.
  2. Not financially able to cope with meeting personal needs and probably that of her children if they have them.
  3. Believing that he will change.
  4. Too emotionally attached to the man

Once you know that the man you are dating can or has physically assaulted you in any way END THAT RELATIONSHIP!!!

Once the man you are married to is physically assaulting you have a PLAN B. Get a job, save some money in order to be able to take care of yourself when you may have to leave that relationship.

#International Women’s Day 2018 Loading- Theme: Improving the lives of Women everywhere, rural or Urban; the time is now

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

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Woman to Woman Talk #27 Stop Stressing Yourself About What You Can’t Change

We women are emotional beings and therefore little things can upset us. In a relationships women are the most hit when things take a downward turn or it doesn’t work out totally.

This is a short and straight to the point post that says to you : Stop Stressing yourself about what you can’t change in your man! People don’t change easily and so you are not responsible for his action but you can choose how you react to it.

Your peace of mind and sanity is important. Some of us try so hard to change our man but nothing is working. The nagging, frustration, tears and stress pile up.

My candid advice:
He may never change. Accept what you can but not when it is a physically abusive relationship. This one you must escape for your life!!

I am talking about issues between you and your spouse that borders on… He didn’t help with bathing the children; he didn’t give me enough money, he doesn’t care enough, he did this or that… Seriously ask him to help! Some men will see you doing all the work and just believe that you are fine… Ask him to help… Tell him you are tired and exhausted.

On other family issues please stop stressing yourself. Find a way around the issues and make yourself Happy.

No one is responsible for your happiness, you and God are. Human beings are so not perfect.

Be grateful for what you have; stop comparing your spouse with other people’s husband. Relax God is in control!

Stop stress yourself about what you can’t change woman. Enjoy your life.

Adebisi Adetunji (C)

Woman To Woman Talk #26: Are you Overdoing Your Weight Loss Goal?

If you wake up every morning to work out in order to keep in shape raise your hands…🙌🙌 even If I can’t see 😀you. Thumbs up for you 👍👍 

Credits: Dreamstime.com

Hmmmn…however it is likely that many of us do not have time to do that morning jog or in-door exercise. If you are like me, all you can think of in the morning is getting the children ready for school and getting yourself to the office on time.

Lately, I noticed a sharp drop in the size of a few female acquaintances that really disturbed me. These ladies are on the plum side before but seeing them after a few weeks they looked really thin. At first, I was alarmed and asked if they had been ill, only to hear the words, “Oh I am on a diet or weight loss plan”. My response was to say, “Please stop whatever diet program you are doing”! The reason is that they now look so thin that it begins to feel that they are sick. So I ask you, dear lady, are you overdoing your weight loss plan?

There are a variety of weight loss plan and products being promoted every day whether by friends, colleagues or via the media. A good number offer quick fix diet solutions.

If your weight loss plan promises to help you lose a huge amount of weight within a short period, WATCH IT!!

Frankly speaking dear sister, we were all never meant to be a size 8 figure. They say variety is the spice of life, you have to understand your physiological makeup. Some people have big bones and therefore will never be a size eight. And being plum is not a bad thing either. Now I am not saying maintaining a good healthy weight is a bad idea. It is important to maintain a healthy weight but not by taking harmful risks.

If you feel overweight do something about it but do it right! Follow the slow and steady wins the race method of exercising and eating right and healthy too.

Some weight loss programs or products have a list of foods that are not a balanced diet. Therefore many women using these methods do not eat healthily. And for me STAY AWAY FROM WEIGHT LOSS PILLS!! Yes, you will hear things like it is perfectly safe, certified and tested but seriously why do you need a drug to help you lose weight? It means you are in a hurry. After you quickly lose that weight how do you maintain it?

Discipline is key to maintaining a steady and healthy weight. Quick fixes only mess up your body metabolism and endanger your health. Who knows what organ in your body would be affected.

Even natural leafs such as “Ewuro” also “Bitter Leaf” can be harmful if overused. I heard about a lady who kept squeezing bitter leaf every day and drinks the water produced. It later damaged some of her organs because it was an overdose. Bitter leaf is acidic and should be taken like maybe once a week or better still eat it as a vegetable soup. This lady died as a result…how so sad!

Please slow and steady wins the race. Don’t just take on every weight loss plan trending because your friend says it works magic. Think about the long-term effects on your health.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)

Woman To woman Talk #25: Who is Wooing Who: Prince or Princess Charming?

Credits : pixabay.com

Once upon a time in a faraway wonderland, a Princess charming proposes to the love of her life in the glare of a mesmerized audience. He stood and watched her go on her knees with the audience holding their breath waiting to see how this love story will end. Princess charming brings out the ring, a token that says she was ready to spend the rest of her life with him. He stood still for a while and then begins to walk towards her and the crowd became excited. He lifts up his Princess charming and holds her in an embrace. Just as their audience is about to begin to applaud, he breaks the embrace and walks away. Princess charming was left standing and holding her proposal ring and as the truth sinks in, she breaks down in big sobs. Oh, the embarrassment in front of their live audience who were already taking pictures and videoing the show! Princess charming begins to scream and then goes hysterical running through the crowd looking for somewhere to hide.

Now this story certainly didn’t have a “happily ever after”, ending that we are all used to. I wish it were just a fairy tale or fiction but it a true life event. Last week on Facebook the story of the lady who proposed to her man in a big mall and was turned down by him dominated the social media at least in Nigeria. There has been a lot of interesting discussions about that very emotional scene as the lady was uncontrollably heartbroken. It turned out her guy was already married…see wahala and gbege!!(Trouble & shocking).

I saw another post of two ladies in separate locations and pictures proposing to their men. This time it looked like the guys accepted. Now whether these photos were shared on social media to create more humor or mock the first event, I’m not sure. The question now is, has the wooing game changed? It is one thing to show a guy or even tell him that you like him, it is a different kettle of fish to now propose to him.

A quick definition: To Woo is to seek the affection or love of someone, usually a woman(www.dictionary.com). It also means to pursue, persuade that person that you are a good person to marry 😀(cambridge dictionary). It is to court, chase after until you win someone’s love.

What many people are saying about the issue:
It is easy to sit on the judgment seat and tear this lady with words like; “What was she thinking! “Desperate girl”! “Cheap girl”, “Didn’t her mother teach her anything?”, “A disgrace to her family”! These and so much has been said about this lady in question. Yours sincerely(me) too has had a few things to say about this lady’s action of daring to step up and letting her man know she was ready to tie the knot. Trust my African clan, we will reel out every rule that should govern a love relationship. It is believed that the proper and honorable thing to do is for a man to ask for “the hand of his bride to be from her and her family”

Now let’s try to be gracious to this dear lady: She had a good reason for going ahead to propose and I only wish we could hear her own side of the story

Frankly speaking:
I believe in the old school way of allowing the man to propose. There is something nice about a man going all out to woo you. And the magic of been treated like a princess when after he had succeeded in getting you to date him for some time, he proposes! My head looks like it is in the clouds but is that not what we women want? Dear sister women being emotional beings do not have the shock absolver that men have! Don’t get me wrong we are strong but when a woman is rejected …. Ask men, it is not easy to accept that no from a woman they dream of sharing their lives with.
When a person says No to a marriage proposal, man or woman as is the case in the main story of this post, it means you are not what I want; it is a rejection. Therefore you will feel rejected; not loved, embarrassed and it hurts your heart and ego too!

Question: Can you handle these emotions Lady?

Why you shouldn’t do the wooing or propose:

  • Somewhere down the line, your man may begin to taunt you with the fact that you proposed when issues arise especially if he didn’t think through his choice. You want to be able to remind him that he came looking for you.
  • I also think that going ahead to propose makes you look desperate and trust me the man may not be ready yet.
  • Men are territorial, they like a challenge so let him do the wooing and proposing. If you have been dating for a while and you are sure that you both love each other enough to settle down in marriage, give him what I call the green light. This means subtly let him know that you are ready to go all the way but let him make up his mind and choose to take it forward.
  • If you propose and he says no, think what that might do to your self-esteem.

Stay cool, calm and collected, that man that loves and knows your worth will eventually show up. By the way, your life is so much more than just being in a relationship.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)

Woman To Woman Talk #24: Intrigues of Nursing Newborns (Omugwo): Grandmas & Nursing Mothers

Credits: Grandma Kisses – Pinterest. This is how to pamper a baby with love!!! Lol…

It is a thing of joy for all family members when a new baby arrives. Grandmas and Grandpas do dance steps that had been hidden away for a long time. As soon as news of the birth of a child reaches older parents plans are made for the grand mummy to go and help nurse mother and the newborn. Sometimes a grandma goes to the home of her son and daughter-in-law vice versa before the arrival of the baby.

The baby becomes a center of attention and shared joyful moments between daughter-in-law and her mother-in-law. They forget their differences and celebrate the new member of the family for a while.  But soon the different approach to raising and nursing a child begins to cause a clash. The grandma who has a generation of experience insists on throwing the baby up during bath time and the young mother screams and says, “mama that’s dangerous, please don’t throw my baby up!”😨. The grandma under her glasses😎 if she is wearing one looks at the young mother like, “hey young lady, that’s how I did it with your husband, my son and he is still alive for you to marry!”😒. Grandma also wants to give the baby some local herbs to help make him or her strong, the young mother and father go like, “mama, that can damage the intestine of our baby”! Now grandma is getting frustrated and feeling misunderstood.

Cooking:

The other problem between Grandmas and new mothers when babysitting their newborn is the issue of cooking. Some grandmas want breakfast as early as 7am, an in-between snack before lunch and dinner making a foursquare meal. Guess who has to prepare the meals? The new mother who is still recovering from the herculean task of delivering a 3.7kg baby and God help her if it was not a Caesarean section delivery. So the young mother spends a sleepless night breastfeeding her baby but has to also get up to prepare mama’s food and the type of meal is the one she will properly have to pound yam for mama! Don’t get me wrong, having a baby does not mean that a woman can no longer prepare meals but hey, a new mother needs all the rest she can get!! Some mums a few weeks after delivery end up breaking down and others even land in the hospital…this is not acceptable.

Grandma when you go to the home of your son or daughter to help nurse a baby be prepared to be patient, help a little extra beyond just helping to carry a well-dressed fine looking baby after his or her bath in the morning.

House Chores
Apart from the stress of preparing meals and going to the market to get the ingredient house chores is another matter of concern when a grandma comes to help nurse a newborn. Now this time I am on the grandmas’ side. Some young couples think that since mama is around to help nurse her grandchild she must be ready to do more than her fair share of house chores. Some grandmas simply because they are willing and some don’t want to say no sometimes are made to do the dishes, washcloths, cook, hold the baby at night so the mother can sleep…hmmm very soon grandma will fall ill and all of you will be running in and out of the hospital. I once told one of my siblings who had just had a baby one time to get help when our mum goes to help with nursing their baby. I told her point blank, “mummy is old and cannot be the one doing all your house chores oooo”! “We cannot have her breaking down”, I added.

Our older parents are not slaves so please get an extra hand to help with your house chores when grandma comes to help nurse your baby.

Grandmas are not as agile as they once used to be, making them do all your house chores is an abuse. This not to say they cannot help around the house. They can cook and do whatever else catches their fancy but do not abuse your aged who has come to help you nurse your baby. So grandmas and new nursing mothers balance is the key here…and please be patient with each other.

Adebisi Adetunji(C)

Woman To Woman Talk #23 She Won’t Let Them Do It!

Recently while talking to Mariam (not real name) who was delivered of her baby girl a few months ago, she revealed something that surprised me and I was touched. We were simply talking about certain cultural practices that are harmful to the wellbeing of our children. After she had her baby, a discussion between her mother-in-law and some older women took place. There was a plan to circumcise Mariam’s little girl but there was, however, a stumbling block. Mariam’s mother-in-law knew that she was stubborn and wondered what to do about ensuring that the old custom is upheld in the interest of her granddaughter or so it seems. One day this mother-in-law finally presented the matter to Mariam who stood her ground in refusing to have her daughter cut in the vagina. An argument ensued but Mariam prevailed. She points blank told her mother-in-law that she would not allow anyone to cut her little girl! And I must also commend Mariam’s husband here who supported the decision not to allow their daughter to be cut. I mean he could have sanctioned the plan to do this in the name of not wanting to offend his family.

I was surprised that this practice of mutilating girls in their vagina was still been practiced amongst the educated elites. Often we think that some harmful practices that we try to create awareness about with the intention of ending it, is simply a problem common among the uneducated rural. This is not the case many times.

So dear woman, do not sit on the fence thinking that there is nothing you can do about ending any form of abuse or practice that can be harmful to your child. Yes, a lot of times, particularly in our strong African cultural heritage men, decide something’s but this is not to say you should not speak up when it is a matter of what could harm you or your child.

Speaking up and saying NO, is the first step in protecting our girls from child marriage, female genital mutilation and cutting(FGMC) and other forms of harmful practices.

This post was inspired by discussions from a workshop on Advocacy & behavior Change Messages Development to abandonment of FGMC that I am participating in. It is put together by Civil Source Development & Documentation Cenre(CIRDDOC) Nigeria in partnership with UNFPA

Adebisi Adetunji (c)

 

Woman to Woman Talk #22 – She Poured Hot Water on “the other Woman” In Her Husband’s Life

I was listening to a newspaper review a few days ago and one of the stories prompted this post.
The gist was that a woman angry with her husband’s lover decided to teach her a lifetime’s lesson: By pouring hot water on the said lady!! 😱 Now she has been arrested by the police to face the wrath of the law for physically assaulting someone.

Now tell me… What did she actually stand to gain by her actions… Self inflicted punishment. Now she will really loose her man, her freedom and her hard earned resources depending on what type of punishment will be meted out to her.

The above story is a familiar one. Often we hear of partners who express their anger towards a cheating partner by attacking his new lover/woman sharing him with you. Most times I am flabbergasted and somewhat concerned when women fight over a man. I guess such a lady /woman is trying to protect her territory.
😀

Of course you feel betrayed, hurt and some anger too when you find out that your man is cheating on you and that’s normal!

But how do you channel this emotions right such that you don’t give in to that momentary madness to harm your man or the “other woman”?

  • Understand that knowing about” the other woman” gives you an opportunity to protect yourself. Now you know that your partner or spouse is cheating on you. What if you never found out? So knowing is an information to arm yourself. This knowledge helps you to discover that there is a problem.
  • Are you really sure that he is cheating on you? I hope it is not a figment of your imaginations fired by unhealthy jealousy or possessive attitude. You stand the risk of loosing him if you go attacking an innocent “other woman”.
  • Fight your battle with love wisely. Do not act on the information while your emotions are boiling hot. Allow yourself time to let the issue sink in and achieve at least some form of calm. Cry if you have to, it is therapeutic.
  • Go for couples counsel or seek counsel from older couples whom you can trust. They should be people of experience who can counsel you right about what to do. Do not take the advice of anyone who encourages you to go fighting!! When the trouble comes rolling in, your adviser will leave you to face the music alone.
  • Confront your man and ask him directly about whether he is cheating on you. 😎 I know a good number of men will deny this and probably speak “sweet empty words” you cover up. Some even express anger pretending to be a wrongfully accused victim. If that happens and you are sure about your facts of his cheating on you, present your prove… Now watch his reaction. NOTE: If you are still too angry wait until you can have a calm conversation.
  • If you are still only dating him walk away now from that relationship. He is not going to be committed to you in marriage simply because you are the one he ends up giving a wedding ring to.
  • If you are married, it is not easy to walk away. You need counseling.
  • Find out the problem: Why did he cheat on you? Is it a one off thing or  has this been the practice with your man. It is a heart searching issue – Is there any role you played that led to this? Are there serious unresolved issues? Have you both been off sex for months unending?. You really must talk about this with your man. Counseling is key here.
  • Pray about this and just ask for guidance.

DON’TS

  • Do not report him to your family. They will be very emotional about the whole thing but if you do have a family member who can handle the matter with wisdom, go ahead. And just incase you do settle things between you and your partner/forgive him, your family will never forget.
  • Do not go telling everyone and particularly those friends whom you don’t even know if they were secretly wishing that you would lose your marriage.